League Updates • Uncategorized

Lineup poetry

April 11, 2017
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If you don’t subscribe to Bill James Online, what is the matter with you?  For one of many, many things, it means you missed (so far) Steve Goldleaf’s little essay on lineup poetry.

Goldleaf never took one of my classes. So he has logorrhea. But partly choked in all those weeds is a delightful review of Charles North’s 2009 book of poetry, Complete Lineups.

Like this one:

Patio               2b

Bathroom        ss

Dining Room  cf

Living Room  1b

Bedroom         3b

Foyer               lf

Hall                  rf

Garage              c

Kitchen             p

 

I can’t argue with that one, especially with the brilliant positioning of the Garage.  Here’s another:

San Francisco  ss

Munich           cf

Paris                lf

Rome               c

Madrid           3b

London           rf

Athens            1b

Istanbul           2b

New York         p

But this poem is all wrong. Clearly this would be better:

Prague            cf

Florence         ss

Paris                3b

London           1b

Seattle              lf

Boston              rf

Vancouver          c

Portland           2b

Geneva              p

I  admit I am not sure what makes a city a pitcher.  I’ve never scouted Geneva. Maybe Geneva can pitch.   Or Cinque Terra?  Maybe Honolulu?  Wellington? I’ve been to Sydney, Amsterdam, and Copenhagen.  I suppose they could pitch.  I probably have a rotation here:  Geneva, Amsterdam, Wellington,  Sydney, Copenhagen.  I suppose Nassau, Cinque Terra, Bellingham,  and Victoria could be relievers. Maybe Salzburg can close: only two pitches, but a knockout.

My lineup above is for a good team of diverse skills and attractive personalities — a 1995 – 2001 Mariners, or most Cardinals teams.  Their arch-nemesis, the team that likes to beat up a season and leave it for dead in a November ditch, would look more like this:

Los Angeles      3b

Chicago              1b

New York          c

Moscow             rf

Beijing               lf

Pyongyang        cf

Newark             2b

Port au Prince   ss

Las Vegas          p

OK, maybe I am beginning to get a glimmer of what a pitcher city looks like.

One more lineup poem before we get to the prosaic standings:

Portland        cf

Canberra       ss

Haviland       3b

Pittsburgh     1b

Old Detroit      c

Peshastin         p

Cottage            rf

Kaline             2b

Flint Hill         lf

DC                    rover

Yes, of course it’s a softball team.  What did you expect?

 

EFL Standings for 2017
EFL
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB RS RA
Peshastin Pears 6 2 .748 — 38.7 22.5
Cottage Cheese 5 2 .703 0.6 35.3 23.0
Haviland Dragons 4 3 .607 1.2 37.9 30.5
Canberra Kangaroos 4 3 .549 1.6 34.3 31.1
Flint Hill Tornadoes 3 2 .564 1.7 20.4 17.9
Kaline Drive 4 3 .519 1.9 20.1 19.3
Portland Rosebuds 4 4 .453 2.4 31.2 34.2
Pittsburgh Alleghenys 2 4 .323 3 18.5 26.8
D.C. Balk 2 5 .340 3.1 32.8 45.7
Old Detroit Wolverines 1 4 .262 3.2 14.6 24.5
Peshastin:  W, 5 – 4.  (.273, .333, .455; 5.7 ip, 2 er).  I believe the Pears have been in first place for 6 straight days now!  How is this possible? What is the world coming to?  How long can it last?  Here is where I have my biggest advantage: the power of the pen.  I have sort of ignored the Pears all this time, and thus have not cast a jinx. But now I’m getting a little bored of the Pears.  So I decided to throw them under the bus with all that fawning attention I just gave them.  I mean, a team ERA of 2.24 so far on the season?  And an OPS of .823?  Those can’t last, can they?  What good thing ever came out Peshastin?
Cottage:  W, 11 – 5. (.579, .636, .895;  13.3 ip, 7 er).  Yikes!  I’d better spill some jinx ink 0n the Cheese. Look at that 1.531 team OPS for the Cheese!  Sure, it was only for 5 players and 22 plate appearances. But Travis D’Arnaud’s 0 for 4 with a GDP was about 20% of that — without him the other four went 11 for 15 and hit for the cycle with 3 walks:  .733, .778, 1.133.  That cycle I was talking about? That was just Wil Myers.
Haviland  W (-1), L (1); (-3) – 3.  (.143, .235, .143; 2.3 ip, 5 er).  Maybe the EFL is more zero-sum than I thought. With the Cheese soaking up all the offense, nothing was left for the Dragons. But there still should have been some pitching available.  I suppose we will find it further down the standings.  Things were so bad, voodoo-victim Anthony Rizzo led the offense with a 1 for 4 day and a walk.
Canberra:  W, 8 – 3. (.500, 526, .750;  7 ip, 2 er).  So there was still a little offense left lying around for the Kangaroos to scoop up. These numbers represent the efforts of only 4 players, but all four contributed.  EWIE and Rule 5 pick Mark Reynolds led the way (1 for 3 with a homer and a walk), lifting the Kangaroos into the upper division of the league.
Flint Hill:  DNP, (-5) – (-1).  (.166, .189. .167;  1 ip, 0 er).  The Tornadoes spun themselves into the ground yesterday, idle and literally boring. Manuel Margot is doing very well so far: 2 for 3 with a walk yesterday, .323, .282, .613 overall for the season.
Kaline: W 2, L (-2); 1 – (-9).  (.220, .267, .366; 11 ip, 0 er) : Those 11 scoreless innings must have replaced some replacements.  They rocketed the Drive up the standings and over the .500 bar.  For a team with the worst first couple of days I remember in any season to shoot so far so quickly is a huge inspiration to all of us still mired in the cellar.
Portland:  L, (-2) – 3.   (.114, .139, .114;  7.7 ip, 2 er).  What dismal hitting!  Carlos Correa went 3 for 4 with three singles Monday, but everyone else went 1 for 31 with 11 strikeouts and 1 walk. I think even the Wolverines will be able to top this performance.
Pittsburgh: DNP, 0 – 1. (.231, .333, .231;  1 ip, 1 er). It was an off day  in Pittsburgh, in more ways than one.
DC:  “L” 4 – 1. (.227, .320, .364;  7 ip 0 er). Here’s some more of that pitching the top teams weren’t using Monday:  Jharel Cotton’s excellent 7 shutout innings. Of the seven Drive hitters who appeared, six reached base safely at least once, three via walks. Only Mitch Moreland’s 3 for 4 with 2 doubles stands out.
Old Detroit: DNP, 0 – (-3).  (.167, .259, .208;  8 ip, 1 er) … and there’s the rest of the great pitching: Matt Moore’s 8 ip, 1 er, a dominant 3-hitter.  The W’s improved their wining percentage by almost 0.038, but gained only 0.1 games in standings and still are 1 and 4.  So thanks, Matt: I hope you can stay motivated to perform at such a high level for such a crummy team.
Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2014 — hey, Dave, could you please update this to the present?
AL East
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Baltimore Orioles 4 1 .800 —
Tampa Bay Rays 5 3 .625 0.5
Flint Hill Tornadoes 3 2 .564 1.2
Boston Red Sox 3 3 .500 1.5
New York Yankees 3 4 .429 2
Old Detroit Wolverines 1 4 .262 2.7
Toronto Blue Jays 1 5 .167 3.5
NL East
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Washington Nationals 4 3 .571 —
New York Mets 4 3 .571 —
Canberra Kangaroos 4 3 .549 0.2
Miami Marlins 3 3 .500 0.5
Philadelphia Phillies 3 4 .429 1
D.C. Balk 2 5 .340 1.6
Atlanta Braves 1 5 .167 2.5
AL Central
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Minnesota Twins 5 1 .833 —
Detroit Tigers 4 2 .667 1
Cleveland Indians 3 3 .500 2
Chicago White Sox 2 3 .400 2.5
Pittsburgh Alleghenys 2 4 .323 3.1
Kansas City Royals 2 5 .286 3.5
NL Central
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Chicago Cubs 5 2 .714 —
Cincinnati Reds 5 2 .714 —
Cottage Cheese 5 2 .703 0.1
Pittsburgh Pirates 3 3 .500 1.5
St. Louis Cardinals 2 5 .286 3
Milwaukee Brewers 2 5 .286 3
AL West
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Los Angeles Angels 5 2 .714 —
Haviland Dragons 4 3 .607 0.7
Kaline Drive 4 3 .519 1.4
Houston Astros 4 4 .500 1.5
Oakland A’s 4 4 .500 1.5
Texas Rangers 2 4 .333 2.5
Seattle Mariners 2 6 .250 3.5
NL West
TEAM WINS LOSSES PCT. GB
Arizona Diamondbacks 6 2 .750 —
Peshastin Pears 6 2 .748 —
Colorado Rockies 5 3 .625 1
Los Angeles Dodgers 4 4 .500 2
San Diego Padres 4 4 .500 2
Portland Rosebuds 4 4 .453 2.4
San Francisco Giants 3 5 .375 3

 

 

 

 

 

 

4 Comments

  • 2 comments:
    1) When did Kaline change their team name to “eeee”? It’s not a very good name.
    2) I never took your class either. Does that mean I have logorrhea too?

    And a question: where do I make that change? Is this in one of those secret “only the Commissioner knows” programs?

  • Thanks, Dave, for pointing out the eeeee that got pasted over the Kaline line. I’ve fixed it, to erase any impression that I might have dozed off for a second with my finger on the “e.”

    As for the 2014 thing: this is what comes up when I use the Daily Commish functions you set up so nicely. The MLB/EFL standings it produces refer to 2014. Sometimes I fix it, or write over the entire line, but I thought it might be nice if it came up automatically “2017” like the date atop the EFL-only standings does.

  • And one more thing: If the Wolverines are still in last place next week, they won’t be batting fifth in my lineup poem anymore.