Some of you who have been suffering from a lack of information about Saturday’s wedding of Harry and Meghan may be exasperated by my failure to even mention that event in these posts.
If you are one of those in agony from royal wedding information deprivation, please accept my sincerest apologies ever. I will now do my best to inform you, at least insofar as the wedding relates to the EFL. But of course, a British royal wedding relates to all things American, judging by the American media, most of which apparently still have not seen Hamilton.
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EFL Standings for 2018
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Brookland Outs | 30 | 17 | .628 | — | 257.4 | 200.2 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 25 | 18 | .578 | 2.6 | 181.7 | 155.5 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 26 | 19 | .573 | 2.7 | 204.6 | 176.6 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 25 | 21 | .551 | 3.7 | 209.3 | 188.5 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 23 | 20 | .532 | 4.6 | 183.0 | 171.7 |
| Kaline Drive | 24 | 24 | .508 | 5.6 | 215.2 | 212.0 |
| Cottage Cheese | 24 | 23 | .506 | 5.7 | 247.2 | 244.0 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 21 | 24 | .468 | 7.4 | 236.6 | 254.2 |
| Peshastin Pears | 21 | 25 | .456 | 8 | 197.8 | 221.0 |
| Haviland Dragons | 21 | 27 | .445 | 8.7 | 192.8 | 215.3 |
| D.C. Balk | 19 | 26 | .430 | 9.1 | 182.2 | 209.5 |
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Brookland: W, 3 – 3. (.239, .280, .391; 5.7 ip, 1 er). The traditional rule was royalty married other royalty, or at least elevated nobility. King Edward VII had to abdicate to marry an American divorcee. But all that was so unfair. How are democracies supposed to get their chance to participate in British royal weddings? I suppose the nearest parallel would be British royals marrying the offspring of presidents. Imagine Prince Harry marrying Tiffany Trump. You have to admit that would be an even BIGGER media obsession. Or… they could marry the people most treated like royalty in democracies: celebrities, especially movie and TV stars. Which is what just happened. Still, I imagine there are many in Great Britain, including within the royal family, who find it gauche for a prince to marry a commoner from abroad — an interloper, someone scrambling to elevate herself to heights she was most definitely not born to. That sort will take not-so-secret delight at Duchess Meghan’s stumbles. Similarly, some stuffy members of the EFL might delight to see the Outs stumble. As they did, just a bit, Sunday, with a pedestrian offense. Alas (for these snooty grumblers) Jake Odorizzi came through with 5.7 strong innings to keep the Outs from taking on a loss.
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Old Detroit: L, 3 – 4. (.222, .234, .444; 14.7 ip, 6 er). With such modest offensive numbers, the W’s needed great pitching. They got some excellent pitching from Ohtani (7.7 ip, 2 er) and very good from Wood (6 ip, 2 er). But Shane Greene has an overly simplistic view of equality. Since Ohtani and Wood each allowed 2 earned runs, Greene thought he ought to be praised for doing the same… in his one inning of work. Greene has been sentenced to watching video of the entire royal wedding, warmup to start to finish to post-game commentary, to help him see the limitations of defining justice solely as equality of outcome.
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Canberra: L. 1 – 4. (.206, .229, .294; 6.3 ip, 2 er). I discovered last night that Prince Harry and the Captain Kangaroo were born in the same baseball season: the portentous and magical 1984, when the Tigers were never out of first place from Opening Day to the final out of the World Series. The Captain Kangaroo was born Monday, April 30 (an off day, the Tigers were 18 – 2.) Today is Monday, May 21, just as it was in 1984 (the Tigers were 32 – 5). Prince Harry was born September 25 (Tigers: 102-55, on the way to 104 – 58).
You know what this means? It means it could have been him! It should have been him! Our very own Captain Kangaroo should have been the one marrying Meghan Markle! Just think about it for a minute:
* Meghan has lived her whole life thousands of miles closer to the Captain than to the Prince.
* Instead of the clunky and stuffy “Meghan, Duchess of Sussex” she could have the powerfully alliterative name “Meghan Markle Mock.” Opportunities like this are too precious to cast aside thoughtlessly.
* The Mock family has its complexities, but they’re blissful simplicity compared to the volcanic and hideously complicated British royal family, especially with all its subterranean connections to other royal families.
* The Mock family also has the cutest pair of nephews anyone could marry into.
* What is she going to do all day stuck in a castle with a man who cannot intelligently discuss the odds of the Kangaroos reclaiming first place from the upstart Outs, given their reliance on Wade LeBlanc to continue delivering an ERA (3.38 yesterday) a whole run better than his FIP (4.33 yesterday).
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Portland: L, 2 – 5. (.171, .261, .341; 1.7 ip, 2 er). Somehow the royals did not invite Welington Castillo to the wedding. He deserved an invitation both for his baseball prowess (2 for 3 with a homer yesterday to lead the Rosebuds) and his doubly royal name. No newly minted Meghan Duchess of Sussex can trump it. Maybe someone at the palace turned his nose up at how “Welington” is spelled. This from a gang misspelling everything from “honour” to “theatre.”
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Flint Hill: W, 5 – 1. (.171, .261, .341; 1.7 ip, 2 er). How many of you suspect there is a little sibling rivalry between Harry and his elder, balder brother William? William came up with the elegant Kate Middleton, an impressive catch. Has Harry topped that? Judging by the comments I read this morning in the Guardian, there are some in Britain not cottoning to the American (calling her a fraud, a gold digger, and someone who should never have been allowed to marry so far above her station), so we’ll just have to wait and see how things develop. Meanwhile, we have a potential sibling rivalry situation developing in the EFL, too, as the elder brother cut his hirsute younger brother’s lead in half, gaining 0.9 games in a single day. It’s only a race for fourth place to us, but to them it may be the most important race of the season.
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Kaline: L, 3 – 5. (.167, .286, .200; 13.3 ip, 6 er). Brandon Morrow struck out the side in the 9th inning. That secured a win for the Cubs, but it only extended the game into extra innings for the Drive, who are in a rough stretch right now in the EFL. The preacher at the royal wedding turned some heads (and made some royals fidget with discomfiture) with his rousing sermon on the power of love. Maybe that’s what the Wizard should do: try pouring more love into the team.
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Cottage: “W”, 5 – 7. (.250, .455, .313; 7.3 ip, 5 er). Not a great day at the plate — certainly not one to compete with a sunny, warm wedding day at Windsor Castle — but a solid day by EFL standards — if a bit thin. The 16 at bats were boosted by 6 walks, producing that towering OBP. Tyler Mahle didn’t quite get mahled, but he did take on some scratches in his 6 ip, 4 er outing.
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Pittsburgh: W, 7 – 4. (.267, .340 .556; 7.7 ip, 3 er). Actually, from a political science point of view, the royal wedding craze is a great opportunity for students. The British monarchy is 99.9% free of formal political power. The monarchs can’t legislate, can’t administer, can’t decide cases. They can’t even spend outside of the royal household budget. And yet they perform a crucial political function: they are the symbol of their nation in a way no American is for ours. To perform their function, the royal family has to stay out of political controversy. Labour (sic) or Conservative or somewhere in between, Great Britain needs its people to all be fans of the royal fam. We don’t have a head of state in the EFL. The Commissioner is head of government, who stays scrupulously neutral in how the league unfolds. We need someone totally uncontroversial and otherwise immensely admirable to be a unifying symbols to us and an appealing representative to the outside world. Kaline management is a good candidate. Allegheny management is another, given his respectable bearing and sterling reputation. Every day his team improves, as it did yesterday behind JD Martinez’ two homers, the Peak Allegheny’s case for election as EFL head of state strengthens.
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Peshastin: W 2, L (-1); 9 – 0. (.364, .447, .606; 10.3 ip, 1 er) I have to say, the Peshastin Pears embody a powerful counterargument against monarchism. Here is one of the humblest franchises in the EFL. It all but declared it was rebuilding this year, abandoning for all intents and purposes any candidacy for the 2018 EFL crown. But look at the day they had! 1.053 team OPS, with every batter reaching safely at least once. 10.3 innings at a daily ERA of 0.87, from people named Flaherty, Gsellman, Pazos! The Pears right now are responding to their misfortune with (dare I say it?) the power of love. Or at least of hope! Long live democracy, where anyone can be the one to rise to inspire and lead.
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Haviland: L, 2 – 4. (.222, .302, .472; 7 ip, 3 er). The Dragons are not often associated with EFL democracy. They’re more likely counted among the aristocracy. But even here, democracy germinates. Who led the Dragon offense, key to its respectable .775 OPS? Was it Bryce Harper? No, he went 0 for 3 with a walk. Was it Yu Darvish? Well, yes, actually: 6 ip, 1 er. But Darvish didn’t do it alone. His partner Sunday was the lowly Amed Rosario: 2 homers in 3 at bats for a towering daily OPS of 3.333.
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DC: W 2, L (-1); 9 – (-7). (.385, .484, .577; 23.7 ip, 3 er). An even bigger day than the Pears. An even bigger, triumphant statement for democracy. Where was the energy Sunday in the EFL? In the 10th and 11th place teams going into the day: the bottom of the underclass. It may not be long before the ones singing the old slave-composed spirituals are no longer just colorful guests at the EFL’s version of a royal ceremony.
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Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2018
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| New York Yankees | 30 | 13 | .698 | — |
| Boston Red Sox | 32 | 15 | .681 | — |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 25 | 18 | .578 | 5.1 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 23 | 20 | .532 | 7.1 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 22 | 23 | .489 | 9 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 22 | 25 | .468 | 10 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 14 | 32 | .304 | 17.5 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Atlanta Braves | 28 | 17 | .622 | — |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 26 | 18 | .591 | 1.5 |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 26 | 19 | .573 | 2.2 |
| New York Mets | 23 | 19 | .548 | 3.5 |
| Washington Nationals | 24 | 21 | .533 | 4 |
| D.C. Balk | 19 | 26 | .430 | 8.6 |
| Miami Marlins | 17 | 29 | .370 | 11.5 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Cleveland Indians | 22 | 23 | .489 | — |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 21 | 24 | .468 | 0.9 |
| Minnesota Twins | 19 | 23 | .452 | 1.5 |
| Detroit Tigers | 20 | 26 | .435 | 2.5 |
| Chicago White Sox | 13 | 30 | .302 | 8 |
| Kansas City Royals | 14 | 32 | .304 | 8.5 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Brookland Outs | 30 | 17 | .628 | — |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 28 | 19 | .596 | 1.5 |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 25 | 19 | .568 | 3 |
| Chicago Cubs | 25 | 19 | .568 | 3 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 26 | 20 | .565 | 3 |
| Cottage Cheese | 24 | 23 | .506 | 5.7 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 16 | 32 | .333 | 14 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Houston Astros | 30 | 18 | .625 | — |
| Seattle Mariners | 27 | 19 | .587 | 2 |
| Los Angeles Angels | 26 | 21 | .553 | 3.5 |
| Oakland A’s | 25 | 22 | .532 | 4.5 |
| Kaline Drive | 24 | 24 | .508 | 5.6 |
| Haviland Dragons | 21 | 27 | .445 | 8.7 |
| Texas Rangers | 18 | 30 | .375 | 12 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Portland Rosebuds | 25 | 21 | .551 | — |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 25 | 21 | .543 | 0.4 |
| Colorado Rockies | 25 | 22 | .532 | 0.9 |
| San Francisco Giants | 24 | 24 | .500 | 2.4 |
| Peshastin Pears | 21 | 25 | .456 | 4.4 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 20 | 26 | .435 | 5.4 |
| San Diego Padres | 20 | 28 | .417 | 6.4 |
“Maybe that’s what the Wizard should do: try pouring more love into the team.”
I visit them all (1/3 of my roster) in the hospital and in their various rehab locations:
Pitchers:
Anderson, Chase – food poisoning, may pitch or hurl tonight, they say.
Fried, Max – Enjoying the humidity in Gwinnett, IL
Kingham, Nick – In Indianapolis to watch the 500 this coming weekend and other duties
Lamet, Dinelson – my $12.5 rookie out for the season and most of next with TJ surgery
Stroman, Marcus – out till at least mid-June from “shoulder fatigue”
Hitters:
Frazier, Todd – left hamstring strain
Kendrick, Howie – out for the season with ruptured right achilles tendon
Myers, Wil – left strained oblique out till June sometime
Renfroe, Hunter – possibly rehabbing his elbow by constructing border wall in El Paso
Pearce, Steve – out with oblique strain at least until June
We will be looking at a bunch of replacement innings. But this sort of solves the Drive’s perceived over-allocating problem. 🙂 Keeping to the theme of this post, maybe some of these guys took time off to watch the royal wedding. We didn’t. We were at the four Mariners-Tigers games this past week in Seattle. Mariners 3 Tigers 1.