One Headline Cannot Cover It

EFL
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB	RS	RA
Canberra Kangaroos	10	3	.788	—	90.8	47.1
Flint Hill Tornadoes	10	4	.739	0.4	119.0	70.6
Pittsburgh Alleghenys	8	5	.645	1.9	81.9	60.8
Portland Rosebuds	8	7	.558	2.9	85.4	76.1
Cottage Cheese	7	7	.508	3.6	78.8	77.6
Kaline Drive	8	8	.504	3.7	53.5	53.1
Peshastin Pears	7	8	.494	3.8	71.5	72.3
Old Detroit Wolverines	7	7	.492	3.9	80.5	81.8
Bellingham Cascades	6	7	.432	4.6	64.8	74.4
Haviland Dragons	6	10	.354	6.1	75.3	101.8
Brookland Outs	5	9	.328	6.2	55.2	79.1
D.C. Balk	4	9	.286	6.5	44.1	69.6

Canberra:  L, 4 – 4. (50 PA, .222, .300, .311; 6.7 ip, 2 er, 2.70 ERA) It wasn’t a great day at the plate, but the mediocrity wouldn’t have mattered so much if there wasn’t so MUCH of it: 50 PA of .611 OPS will weigh any team down, unless it’s replacing replacements.  And even then — .611 OPS is almost down to replacement level, not something you want to cement into your monthly stats even if you were replacing replacements. Replacements can be replaced, but regular plate appearances can’t be. The genius who was responsible for sending so many surplus Kangaroos to the plate has surely been fired.

Flint Hill:  W, 7 – 5. (36 PA, .485, .528, 1.000; 5.3 ip, 2 er, 3.38 ERA). Of the 8 Tornados who batted Friday, six OPSed over 1.000, led by Austin Meadows’ 3 for 5 with a double, two homers, and a walk, worth 2.667 on the OPS scale. Close behind him were Kevin Kiermaier (2 for 3 with a double, a triple, and  a walk ; 2.417) and Yasmani Grandal (3 for four with a homer and a walk: 2.300). The carnage would have been worse, except the game was suspended after the 6th inning  (after the Tornados made their 18th out), Flint Hill having erased 0.5 games of the Kangaroos’ 0.9 game lead.

Pittsburgh: “L”, 5 – 2. (41 PA, .308, .341, .487; 9.7 ip, 2 er, 1.86 ERA).  We might as well face it: Jose Altuve is never going away. Last night his unnecessary grand slam helped the Astros to clobber the Mariners, and the Alleghenys to gain 0.6 games in the standings.  He also inspired four Altuve wanna-be’s (Flowers, Piscotty, Profar, and Dominic Smith) to achieve 1.000 OPS or better, and a trio of Allegheny pitchers to stifle opposing batters.

Portland: L, 6 – 8. (28 PA, .292, .393, .542; 6.3 ip, 6 er, 8.53 ERA).  The Rosebuds got some good hitting, but not nearly enough of it, the Kangaroos having already eaten far more than their share.  And then Trent Thornton coughed up 5 earned runs in 5 innings, leaving the Rosebuds disconsolate and their friends helpless to do anything about it.  They’re ROSEBUDS: they don’t need more flowers . They don’t eat chocolates. They can’t read cards. What can you do?

Cottage:  L, 7 – 14. (34 PA, .296, .441, .481; 14 ip, 15 er, 9.64 ERA).  Look, we just went over this: if you aren’t doing well, don’t try to make up for it by piling up appearances.  Great hitting, well calibrated with enough plate appearances –you got that right.  But if Tyler Skaggs surrenders 4 earned runs in 4 innings, and Drew Smyly four more in 5 innings, why send Yonny Chirinos out there, too, to pitch 2.3 superfluous innings — and chulk! (6 earned runs)?  And then Keona Kela for another run in another inning?

Kaline: W 2, L (-1); 7 – (-4). (50 PA .256, .353, .465; 14.2 ip, 3 er, 1.88 ERA).

The Kaline Drive leaped over the Wolverines and Pears (AND the Cascades) Friday to reach the upper division of the EFL and, presumably, begin their assault on the league leaders. So, ok, I guess it’s sometimes all right to do 50 plate appearances, if things are going well.  But why, oh why, did you let Yulieski Gurriel hang out with Jose Altuve?  Yuli just had to copy Jose and blast a grand slam of his own to bury the Mariners at sea, part of Yuli’s 3 for 5 day which also included a double.  Was your Great Drive Forward worth embarrassing the Mariners?

Peshastin: W (-1), L 2; (-1) – 10. (43 PA, .154, .233, .205; 5 ip, 5 er, 9.00 ERA).  The Pears are facing a fatal flaw in their approach to appellation: they are named for a fruit whose performance does not match the long big-league baseball season.  The Pears flowered early this year, but clearly the bloom is off the ro… I mean, the pear already. Consider Julio Urias: young, in the prime of life, yet he wilted in just 5 innings.  And that offense! Sure, it’s all fresh and green, but the Pears won’t be ripe until August, and by then the season is almost over and it’s too late to catch up.

      Fortunately, I have an alliterative remedy: rename the team the Peshastin Petunias!  They’re perfect. According to Wikipedia, “Petunias can tolerate relatively harsh conditions and hot climates. They need at least five hours of sunlight every day” — which is a great description of a baseball team’s life.  Also, from Better Homes and Gardens: “These tough plants are capable of putting on loads of blooms all season long…”  It may be malpractice to name your team after a soft fruit that flowers for two weeks and then waits until late summer to do anything else.  Time to embrace the Peshastin Petunias! (Also, you could give your team a nice color scheme emphasizing pinks and violets.)

Old Detroit: “W”, 9 – 10. (42 PA, .308, .357, .692; 1.3 ip, 4 er, 27.00 ERA). Willson Contreras led the Wolverine charge with two homers and a single in 4 plate appearances.  And Eloy Jimenez followed Willson’s lead with  his first two major league homers and a single — against the Yankees! In the rain!  And Josh Bell cranked another homer and a walk, while Luis Urias tried to restore the Urias family’s good name with a single and a walk.  And Alen Hanson walks and singled, too… but that was about it. Until Shawn Armstrong made his Wolverine debut with a neat triple chulk, including the overly-generous grand-slam homer he served up to Yulieski Gurriel.

Bellingham: L, 4 – 9. (23 PA, .261, .280, .391; 10 ip, 9 er, 8.10 ERA).  The Mariners abused their former teammate Wide Miley for 3 earned runs in 4 innings. And then Mike Fiers took the mound — and gave up 6 runs in 5 innings… Thus was a Bryce Harper homer wasted, along with a 2 for 3 day with a double and a walk by Ronald Acuna.

Haviland: “W”, 10 – 1o. (28 PA, .32o, .393, .840; 0.3 ip, 2 er, 54.00 ERA)  The Dragons gave as good as they got Friday — although that is not really how Dragons are supposed to work. Sure, it’s Dragonish to OPS 1.233, and the four homers combined from Ramon Laureano and Brandons Lowe and Nimmo make Dragon sense. But to give it all away again, as Chad Green did by sextuple chulking against the Mariners — it all seems so… wrong?  Well, no, generosity is a virtue. But for Dragons?

Brookland: L, 5 – 12.(32 PA, .214, .313, .464; 4.7 ip, 6 er, 11.57 ERA).  Cody Bellinger continued his seemingly utterly reliable heroics with a homer, a single and a walk, and Manny Machado got fawned over for a nice play at third (plus his own homer). But Kyle Wright nearly chulked (3.7 ip, 6 er) and the Outs remained in 11th place.

DC:  L, 4- 16. (28 PA, .280, .333, .400; 0.7 ip, 6 er, 81.00 IP). Andrew Benintendi backed up his good intentions (2 for 4 with a homer), but Carlos Carrasco committed a colossal chulk Friday, conceding six earned runs in less than an inning, thereby banishing the Balk to the bottom of the standings.

AL East
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Tampa Bay Rays	11	3	.786	—
Flint Hill Tornadoes	10	4	.739	0.6
Old Detroit Wolverines	7	7	.492	4.1
New York Yankees	5	8	.385	5.5
Baltimore Orioles	5	9	.357	6
Boston Red Sox	5	9	.357	6
Toronto Blue Jays	4	10	.286	7

NL East
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Canberra Kangaroos	10	3	.788	—
New York Mets	9	4	.692	1.2
Philadelphia Phillies	8	4	.667	1.7
Atlanta Braves	7	6	.538	3.2
Washington Nationals	6	6	.500	3.7
D.C. Balk	4	9	.286	6.5
Miami Marlins	3	11	.214	7.7

AL Central
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Pittsburgh Alleghenys	8	5	.645	—
Detroit Tigers	8	5	.615	0.4
Cleveland Indians	8	5	.615	0.4
Minnesota Twins	6	4	.600	0.9
Bellingham Cascades	6	7	.432	2.8
Chicago White Sox	4	8	.333	3.9
Kansas City Royals	3	10	.231	5.4

NL Central
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Milwaukee Brewers	9	5	.643	—
St. Louis Cardinals	8	5	.615	0.5
Pittsburgh Pirates	7	5	.583	1
Cottage Cheese	7	7	.508	1.9
Chicago Cubs	5	8	.385	3.5
Cincinnati Reds	4	8	.333	4
Brookland Outs	5	9	.328	4.4

AL West
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Seattle Mariners	13	3	.813	—
Houston Astros	9	5	.643	3
Oakland A’s	10	8	.556	4
Kaline Drive	8	8	.504	4.9
Los Angeles Angels	7	7	.500	5
Texas Rangers	6	7	.462	5.5
Haviland Dragons	6	10	.354	7.3

NL West
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
San Diego Padres	10	5	.667	—
Portland Rosebuds	8	7	.558	1.6
Los Angeles Dodgers	8	7	.533	2
Peshastin Pears	7	8	.494	2.6
Arizona Diamondbacks	6	8	.429	3.5
San Francisco Giants	6	9	.400	4
Colorado Rockies	3	11	.214	6.5