Thursday The Athletic published the results of its first “Mega-Mock Draft.” I have some thoughts.
Thought 1: No one ever asked us for permission, nor even for forgiveness, for hijacking our family name for their little pretend drafts. Doesn’t the term ‘Mock Draft’ carry the oder of derision, of haughty snootiness? A “Mock” draft isn’t as good as a REAL draft.
No one goes around saying “it was only a Johnson Draft.” No one says “Hey, let’s have a Smith Draft, you know, just for fun. It won’t really count.” Johnsons and Smiths come in their millions. No one dares slight their name. But who’s afraid of Virginia Mock? Mocks are few enough that most people have never met one. I graduated from law school under the announced name of “Ron Motte” because the dean mis-heard my name, even after I’d been there for three years. Come on! It’s one syllable, four letters, three phonemes. You have to work pretty hard to mess that up.
Thought 2: You can’t fool me. Making it a “Mega-Mock draft” isn’t some kind of praise for the family, as if we’ve suddenly been recognized for greatness. The “Mega” part is just an extra little jab of cruelty. “Tiny” was our name for the biggest, fattest kid, the last kid to get picked up on our school bus route. The Pathletic might as well be run by middle schoolers.
Thought 3: (After my church’s Sunday sermon, delivered by the euphoniously-named Paul Bock), OK, OK, let’s look for something nice to say about The Pathletic’s Mega-Mock Draft…
… Well, it does look like fun.
They got 30 sportswriter types to draft 30 big league teams, as if they were starting franchises from scratch. Each team needed one pitcher, one hitter, one current MLB manager, one GM (who could be anyone), one current MLB owner, one current MLB city, and one current MLB stadium (which could be moved to their city).
OK, that’s enough nice things for one day. We gave them break, but the Pathletic continued its insulting ways:
1. Not one EFL city was picked. Sure, they included Pittsburgh, Washington (DC), and Detroit (present-day, not Old). but that was clearly in reference to the non-EFL teams who play there, not one of which did as well in 2021 as their EFL civic neighbors.
2. Not one EFL owner was picked — not even as a GM. Despite our league-average of about 95 wins. Despite our voluntarily donating one player back to the league to try to even things up with the other MLB teams. Despite us not being as goofy as Dick Monfort. Someone picked Barack Obama for GM! Someone picked Bill “Blabbermouth” Belicheck for GM. (I kind of hope I spelled “Belicheck” wrong. I bet no law school dean has ever botched HIS name.)
— —
But here’s where we get our revenge. Of the 60 players chosen, how many do we already have among our 11 teams? Let’s see:
Bellingham: Ronald Acuna (#22)
Canberra: Vlad Guerrero ( #16), Kyle Tucker [#78}
Cottage: Shohei Ohtani ( #12), Trea Turner (#135), Robby Ray (#150)
DC: Bryce Harper (#86), Bo Bichette (#102), Pete Alonso (#134), Ian Anderson (#198)
Flint Hill: Mookie Betts (#56)
Haviland:
Kaline: Max Fried (#157)
Old Detroit: Carlos Correa (#71), Rafael Devers [#80], Walker Buehler (#99), Eloy Jimenez (#116), Byron Buxton (#204)
Peshastin: Juan Soto ( #2), Jack Flaherty (#121), Trevor Rogers (#149)
Pittsburgh: Logan Webb (#129), Luis Robert (#137), Jose Berrios (#187)
Portland: Corey Seagar (#87)
That’s 24 players, when our share is only 22.
Add in players we lost because their contracts expired…
Trout [#13],
Freemen [#70]
Judge [#100]
Scherzer [#106]
Machado [#120]
Lindor [#145]
L Castillo [#155]
Musgrove [#167]
J Ramirez [#174]
Giolito [#185]
L Lynn [#193]
Semien {#210}
… we 11 account for 36 of the 60.
Now add in the ones we owned in their debutant 2021 season:
Wander Franco [#53]
Shane McLanahan [#165]
… and we’re up to 38 out of 60.
.
Now add the ones we can’t own yet because they aren’t eligible for the EFL …
Bobby Witt Jr [#32]
Ad Rutschman’s grandson [#83]
Julio Rodriguez [#118]
Shane Baz [#129]
Hunter Greene [#160]
Grayson Rodriguez [#164]
Spencer Torkelson [#172]
Alek Manoah [#178]
Jack Leiter [#191]
Yoshino Yamamoto [#192])
… and that shrinks the universe of the ones we could possibly own down to 50. We own, or have owned, 76% of the franchise-foundation players we have had a shot at, despite being only 36.7% as numerous as the other MLB owners. We are twice as good at grabbing these guys as the supposed grandees of the greatest game.
Proof that the REAL Mega-Mock drafts occur in the EFL. Which only stands to reason: we have more Mocks in our draft than any draft I know about.
One more little tidbit: Had Ryan been a girl, his name would have been Megan.
It was all decided before his older sister Melissa was born. Two boys in a row would have been Ryan Lincoln Mock and … we didn’t have a second name picked out for a boy. His mom didn’t really like Lincoln as a middle name (despite its third-generation RLM initials) so we compromised. If the first was a girl she would be Melissa Joy, and if the second was a boy, he would be Ryan Something Other than Lincoln. Two girls in a row would have been Melissa and Megan Mock.
The EFL came that close — a single chromosome — from being able to have its own Mega(n) Mock Draft.