It’s like we get two Opening Days.
For the first time in the EFL’s incredibly long history, we are locked in head-to-head struggle. For the first time, our season is divided into two phases: pre-All-Star Break where we take 16 laps around the league, and post-All-Star Break, where we go 11 rounds against each other… well, 90.9% against each other.
And befitting an Opening Day, there were fireworks.
Where to begin?
Are you kidding? It’s obvious where to begin:
This is the pitching box score for the Boston Red Sox on our Second Opening Day. That’s the Pears’ Nathan Eovaldi triple chulking to open the game, recording 8 outs while surrendering 9 earned runs. Some guy named Davis followed with a triple chulk of his own, followed by Kaleb Ort who pulled off a massive Royal Chulk: 8 er in 2/3 of an inning, a duodecal chulk, a 108.00 ERA. That’s his season ERA on the box score now, that 16.88, representing 9 earned runs in 5.1 innings pitched. (Don’t worry. Over the rest of his MLB career he has gotten a total of 1 more out while allowing a total of 0 earned runs, so his career ERA is only 15.88.) (That one out came in one outing which also featured a walk and a hit, so maybe there were warning signs?)
Anyway, Phil forgot to duck so Eovaldi’s performance went 100% to the Pears’ outcome. So even after 3.7 innings of scoreless relief pitching, the Pears are bruised with a 12.17 team ERA so far in week 17.
But Eovaldi, Davis and Ort weren’t the end of the Red Sox’ torment. They were followed by Kaline’s Darwinzon Hernandez, who opened himself up to some unfortunate natural selection by also triple chulking. That made 4 chulking pitchers in a row for the Red Sox, something I don’t remember ever seeing before. And none of them were cheap chulks — all triple chulks or worse. That’s how Boston gave up 28 runs (albeit only 27 earned), a record for the 120+ year old franchise.
The Blue Jays also set a franchise record with their 28 runs scored. But they’re not even 50 years old.
Fortunately for the Drive, the Wizard of Whidbey somehow sensed this disaster coming, and activated Darwinzon only the minimum 33%. Amazing.
You’d think some EFL teams might have benefited from all that Blue Jay offense. And you’d be right:
- Flint Hill’s Bo Bichette went 3 for 5 with a double (1.350 OPS).
- Salem’s Alejandro Kirk went 3 for 6 with a walk (.929 OPS).
- Canberra’s Vladito went 2 for 4 with a homer, a double, and a walk (2.100 OPS).
- DC’s Danny Jansen went 3 for 6 with two homers and a walk (2.071 OPS).
- DC’s Matt Chapman went 3 for 6 with a homer (1.500 OPS).
Do you see why those wily Balk are in first place? They somehow got TWO players in that Blue Jays lineup.
But it’s not like the Wizard and the Balk have a monopoly on extra wiles…
- Pittsburgh’s Teoscar Hernandez went 3 for 4 with a homer, a double, and a walk (2.550 OPS), the highest on the Jays….
- but then the Alleghenys also stole some good offense from the woebegone Red Sox:
- Christian Vasquez went 3 for 4 with two homers (3.000 OPS!!)
- Kevin Plawecki went just plain old 3 for 4 (1.500 OPS).
I keep warning you, but I’m not sure you’ve been listening: the Alleghenys have won 7 EFL championships. That’s 38.9% of all the EFL championships won by a team representing only 9.1% of the league. That suggests the Allegheny mastermind is something like 4 times as smart as the rest of us.
Or you could look at it this way: the rest of us have won, on average 1.1 championships each, which suggests the Alleghenys’ owner is 6 or 7 times as smart as the rest of us. And you can trust me on this: I once taught a class on statistics in GF’s degree completion program, which would suggest (even if nothing else does) that I know what I am talking about.
There is a reason the Alleghenys have won so often. Do not be lulled into complacency by the A’s current innocent-seeming last-place standing.
Speaking of wizardry: the Wolverines snuck one past the Blue Jays, too! Jackie Bradley, Jr. HOMERED! This raised his season OPS to .556! And I only spent my last $2,750,000 on him.
(In case you aren’t getting the joke, the clever one in this case is the Captain Kangaroo, who somehow put me under a spell so I would grab Bradley off the waiver wire and save the ‘Roos that $2,750,000, which they are now using catch the Wolverines in the standings. But BEWARE, YE KANGAROOS! I have more brilliance where that came from. An endless supply, apparently.)
OK, realistically now: I’ve made a case for extreme care in dealing with a quartet of shrewd owners: the Balk, the Drive, the Alleghenys, and the Kangaroos. Add the Seraphim, who currently have the best raw winning percentage in the league. When these guys come around to sweet talk you into trading your stars, hide the children!
…
In other news:
- The Pirates rolled over for the Balk on Second Opening Day, letting the Marlins swamp them 8 – 1. DC didn’t play well, scoring only 5.3 runs while allowing 10.5. That would usually produce a .204 winning percentage, but against the Pirates’ .015 raw winning percentage, the Balk look like a .943 team. But take heart, the rest of you! DC only has 5 games left against the Pirates. The rest of us still have 6 games each against our designated punching bag.
- Pity the poor Pirates when they play the cross-town Alleghenys, currently owners of a .990 winning percentage against the Seraphim! How did they do this? By already amassing 23.7 innings this week, at a miserly 1.17 ERA. Excuse me, 1.18 ERA. So sorry. And they’re doing equally well at the plate, with Hernandez (135.9 rc/g), Vazquez (184.1 rc/g), and Plawecki (61.4 rc/g) leading the way — or more accurately, doing all the work — they are on pace to score 10.3 runs per game this week. Fortunately for the Pirates they don’t face the A’s until week 27.
- Pity the poor Pears, pummeled by our Pittsburgh. How did Pittsburgh pummel Peshastin? By hogging the good outcomes available in their neighborhood in the standings. Pittsburgh has a 1.18 ERA so far this week? Peshastin’s team ERA is 12.17. Pittsburgh is scoring 10.3 runs per game? Peshastin is scoring 0.9. If these bearish Pearish performances persist through the week, they will BOTH be the most extremely bad results I recall ever seeing over such a span.
- While you are pouring out your heart for the Pears, keep in mind that they are suddenly sitting on the hottest trade property on the planet: Juan Soto. Will the Nationals trade Soto for a bushel of prospects? Will the Pears follow suit? These are franchise-altering questions. And Soto is only creating 2.3 runs per game this week. He’s not even a replacement player!! (Psst! Phil! Jackie Bradley Jr. for Juan Soto? That’s 9.0 rc/g for 2.3 rc/g this week. Hard to pass up!)
- Pity the poor Cascades. They are hitting ok (4.8 rc/g). Their pitching is scuffling (5.57 ERA) but that could improve rapidly once a few starters emerge. But they happened to meet the Kangaroos head-on for the first time when Canberra pitching decided to start the week with 8 shutout innings. If your opponent allows no earned runs in a week, you cannot get off the .000 winning-percent schnied, unless you also allow no earned runs — in which case the two teams would break our spreadsheet. Temporarily.
- You don’t need to pity the Dragons — they have 3 championships, and they scored more runs yesterday than they allowed. But still, spare them a thought. In the first even father-son head-to-head EFL matchup, the ‘Gons thought they were doing well. Sure their pitchers struggled to a 5.13 ERA, but their hitters (aided by a double header on Thursday) swatted 6 homers (3 by Aaron Judge), generating a .637 raw winning. But the valiant effort to do the older generation proud did not pay off, just because Jon Gray pitched 6 shutout innings for the Rosebuds. If he hadn’t stopped at 6 innings, allowing a replacement to come in and surrender 2/3 of a run (Two thirds of a run!?!? That should be impossible!), all that great offense would have completely vanished under the Rosebuds 1.000 winning percentage. Even with the replacement 2/3 of a run allowed, the Dragons only managed a .147 adjusted winning percentage.
- As one grandfather to another: come on, John. Don’t let them put you out to pasture already!
- The Wizard is at it again. Without a single Blue Jay, the Drive offense opened the week producing a whopping 14.5 rc/g on a .357, .456, .614 team batting line. Seiya Suzuki (.800, .833, 1.400; 165.0 rc/g) and Dalton Varsho (.750, .750, 1.500, 122.7 rc/g) led the way, especially with those sky-high on base percentages. Between them, they made two outs in 11 plate appearances. On the pitching side, by limiting Darwinzon to 4/9 of an innings (permitting 1.33 runs), the Wizard coaxed 7 7/9 innings out of his staff at the cos of only 2.33 runs, for a 2.70 ERA. That produced a .961 raw winning percentage, elevated to .990 because Tornado hurlers blew up: 7 earned runs in 6 innings.
- There was one saving grace for the Tornados: Phil Bickford produced the first 0 inning outing I’ve noticed in the EFL this year, surrendering 3 earned runs for an infinite chulk. But he is allocated at 0%, so that bullet was dodged. Unfortunately, there were other bullets. The other two Tornado hurlers hurled indeed: 5 earned runs in 6 innings.
- Oh, well. At least Willson Contreras drove up his MLB trade value with a nice 2 for 3 day, with a homer, a double, and two walks. No one will want Juan Soto and his 2.3 rc/g when they could get Willson Contreras and his 142.2 rc/g — as the catcher.