“Sometimes,” they say, “the best trades are the ones you don’t make.” You would think that, if these non-trades are so great, we’d have a way of tracking them: that Dave would have thought to set up an “Antitransactions Page” where we could record them.
Well, he didn’t, but I did. So — now that the Opening Day roster deadline has passed — here it is, our first Antitransactions Page Report.
Friday, April 3, 8:09 AM
Cottage declines to put Alex Cobb on the DL despite forearm tendinitis. Even with probable ace-in-waiting Eddie Butler (newly-acquired from those perennial Old Detroit chumps) sitting there ready to dominate, the Cheese hope that an ailing Cobb can carry them starting with the second game of the season. “Eddie Butler is from Colorado,” said Cheese management. “As we announced repeatedly at the draft, we believe the Bible condemns the Colorado pitcher lifestyle, and we refuse to admit any of them to our mound ‘on principle.’ We’ll take the (former) Devil Ray we know, even with his arm attached with bobby pins, over a Colorado pitcher, whether we know him or not.” When asked why the Cheese would trade Jean Segura for a Colorado pitcher if they felt that way, Cheese management smiled. “Have you ever seen Segura run the bases?”
Friday, April 3, 10:36 AM
Pears Reassign Travis to Purgatory. Despite deftly acquiring Devon Travis in a draft-and-trade deal during the free agent draft, according to their official Opening Day allocations the Pears have given Travis no allocation whatsoever — not at second base, nor at OH, nor even the bench. Apparently Travis left for Peshastin unprepared for his journey, and has been sent to an unnamed location to field routine ground balls over and over until he is deemed ready to join the Pears in the project of creating an idyllic season.
Friday, April 3, 12:57 PM
Canberra does not send Shane Greene to the minors. Despite taking ridicule from EFL owners for spending a hard-won second first round pick on Shane Greene; and despite Baseball Prospectus piling on with an insulting -1.2 WAR projection for 2015, Canberra “management” stood by the man they call Fister 2.0. Other owners expressed shock over the Kangaroos’ cavalier comtempt for consensus. “When we took flak for drafting Burch Smith, we got him off to the minors faster than you could say ‘dummypants’,” said one competing owner. “And then we cut that sucker later in the summer when the catcalls proved prophetic. I don’t know where Canberra management got all this nerve. They sure didn’t get it from me.”
And then they didn’t trade Erasmo Ramirez for Mike Montgomery, either. So they despise advice from Jack Z, too. Just who do they think they are over there in Suitland (Canberra’s North American HQ)?
Friday, April 3, 6:06 PM
Rosebuds Decline Fister for Fister 2.0 Deal. “We don’t think the sequel is going to be as good,” they said, “although we totally think you were smart to grab him for $11,000,000 in the first round.”
“But I have an idea,” continued the Rosebud Boss. “How about if we take your junior Fister off your hands and make it possible for you to corner the market on PED-abusing pitchers?”
Saturday, April 4, 12:47 PM
Alleghenys Renege on Strasburg for Profar Deal. Despite their solemn assurances just a few months ago that a Jurickson Profar for Stephen Strasburg deal was “totally fair”, Pittsburgh management refused to trade Strasburg for Profar this week. “Profar’s no more injured now than he was then,” the Wolverines pointed out, but the Alleghenys just responded, “Funny how these things work out, isn’t it?” Then they chuckled “Hey we just had a thought. You wouldn’t happen to have another Altuve over there to throw into the deal, would you?”
Saturday, April 4, 1:26 PM
Kaline decides not to trade Jarred Cosart for Arodys Vizcaino. The Commissioner’s Office jumped the gun earlier today when it erroneously reported that PED user Vizcaino was a Drive. He is still a Kangaroo. Apparently the deal we expected here at league HQ got hung up at the last minute, probably because Cosart was cleared of charges he’d bet on baseball while Vizcaino was nailed for his PED use.
Saturday, April 4, 9:05 PM
Tornados Refuse to Return Hahn to his Rightful Owners. For the second year in a row, the Tornados ripped a key player away from Old Detroit and won’t give him back. Last year it was shortstop “phenom” Xander Bogaerts. Having learned nothing from the dismal season Bogaerts produced while pining for his lost Wolverine home, the Tornados pulled the same heist again, snatching Jesse Hahn from Old Detroit in a sneaky MLB trade deal. “We own him now,” said the Top Tornado, “and we aren’t giving him back. But we aren’t heartless freaks of nature. We have compassion. We understand that Wandy Rodriguez is a former Wolverine. Old Detroit can have Wandy back if they want.”
Saturday, April 4, 9:32 PM
Wolverines Don’t Trade Justin Upton. He was a millisecond from being traded March 28 during the free agent draft. But Old Detroit hesitated, the Drive stole Jace Peterson (and robbed him of his rookiehood — how could you, Tom? Rookiehood only comes once in a man’s life, and now it’s gone forever!), and the Wolverines kept right on hesitating through the end of the draft. They hesitated all week. They hesitated during a shower Saturday evening, left the shower determined to trade Upton before the roster deadline, then at the last second went back to hesitating. Now they can just keep on hesitating all summer, regretting not having the cash to capture top debutants, watching their 2015 championship slip away… “Upton had better hit in San Diego” is all they can say.
Saturday, April 4, 9:50 PM
Dragons Get Stuck With Andy Oliver. It didn’t have to be this way. Old Detroit was ready to take Andy Oliver as its left-handed reliever. But, noooo, Haviland had to match our opening bid. Well, we hope you enjoy him now that he’s been DFA’d and has elected free agency and you can’t drop him until the end of April. The Wolverines ended up with Paco Rodriguez (spring ERA: 0.00. 10.1 IP, 12 K, 0 BB) instead. He’s no Jace Peterson or Jessie Hahn, but maybe he’ll do.
Dang it. I saw the Cobb announcement yesterday, after I had locked my allocations, and I figured that they’ll put him on the DL. Then I can legally change allocations. But apparently the Rays are just as dumb as I am, or they don’t need a roster spot, because I can find no evidence that Cobb has been put on the DL. So I can’t put him there either, right?
You cannot put someone on the DL mid-month. That isn’t what you need, anyway — you need to be able to increase someone else’s allocation to replace him. You can only do that if your player goes on the DL in MLB, or gets busted to the minors, or gets suspended or put on a restricted list. Or dies. Or retires, which isn’t quite the same thing, I gather.
That’s what I meant. However you want to phrase it, I can’t replace Cobb’s IP until the TB Rays wake up and realize that they need a roster spot and put him on the DL. Maybe I’ll give them a call.