The loneliest number

Dear Mr. EFL Answer Man,

Why do the Cheese only care about beating the Pears when it is actually the Tornadoes blowing fierce wind down their neck?

Sincerely,
Invisible in Kansas

Dear Invisible:

One is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do. Three*  can be as bad as one.  It’s the loneliest number since the number one.

No is the saddest experience that you’ll ever know. Yes, it’s the saddest experience that you’ll ever know, ’cause one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do. One is the loneliest number, whoa, worse than two.

It’s just no good to pretend it’s any other way, or you’ll spend your time just making whines that you want to play.

One is the loneliest number… one is the loneliest number… one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.

One is the loneliest… one is the loneliest… one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.

It’s just no good anymore, they won’t let you play.

Number one is the loneliest… number one is the loneliest…number one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.

Number one is the loneliest… number one is the loneliest…number one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.

Number oooooooooooooooooooone (is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do), yeah, number one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.

Number one is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do.

Sincerely,

Mr. EFL Answer Man.

 

* PS: Some have been known to claim “Two can be as bad as one” but that can’t be right. Consider these points:

1. Saying “two can be as bad as one” doesn’t make any sense if ten seconds later you’re going to say “one is the loneliest number, whoa, worse than two.”
2. Your whole point is that when the Pears and the Cheese leave you out, it makes a Tornado rather windy and sad.
3. So it makes a lot more sense to say “Three can be as bad as one” because if you’re number 3 and numbers 1 and 2 won’t play with you, you might as well be all alone.

Look here:

The EFL is organized in threes. (I know, someone once made a big deal about how it was a square dance, with four dancing couples and a wallflower. But that analogy is just no good anymore.) There are three at the top, trying (so far rather clumsily, I must say) to stage a pennant race, very exciting and all that.  There are three at the bottom, trying to stage a race for the top draft pick, also exciting in a sort of perverse, horrific way, like a reality TV show. (Portland is botching this very badly at the moment, having already dropped to the third pick overall and less than half a game from dropping all the way to #5.)

Then there are three left over in the middle with nothing to compete for. So already the poor Whimper Winds have been left out by being stuck in leftover country. (They’d gotten kind of used to being stuck in flyover country, but leftover country is worse).  See how bad three is? When you have three groups, one is going to get left out.

And now you can see that the Whimper Winds are being left out within the bounds of leftover country. There are the Pears and the Cheese, playing merrily the game of leap frog they’ve had going now for, what, the third straight season?  Would it cost them so much to let the new kid play?

Also note that the Whimper Winds are number one in Leftover Country. And now we know why Number One is the loneliest: Numbers Two and Three tend to gang up against Number One.  I suspect it’s true among the bottom three, where the ‘Roos and the Drive strive to subpass the ‘Buds. I know it’s true in the threesome where the Wolverines hang out, where these days the Top Allegheny and I can enjoy commiserating about the the Dragons being in first, and then ten minutes later the Chiefest of Calamaties and I can enjoy commiserating about how the Alleghenys have won six championships and must be prevented from winning a seventh.

All this proves, I think, that three can be pretty much equal to the loneliest number, whoa, worse than two.