Story Time

Trevor Story is not in the EFL.  Yet.  I wonder what the going rate will be at our next meeting for a guy on pace to hit 243 home runs in his rookie year.  He’s the Donald Trump of baseball: if he succeeds he will ruin the game for ever.   But will any of us put principle first and refuse to bid on him?  I kind of doubt it…

Anyway — since we aren’t in the Story yet (or the Story isn’t in us), I got to wondering whether we had any players writing their own stories of outlandish deeds in baseball.

EFL
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB	RS	RA
Canberra Kangaroos	3	0	.871	—	18.1	6.9
Portland Rosebuds	3	2	.691	0.2	31.6	21.2
Haviland Dragons	3	1	.656	0.5	21.8	15.7
Cottage Cheese	2	2	.573	0.8	23.6	20.4
Old Detroit Wolverines	2	2	.556	0.9	23.5	21.0
Kaline Drive	1	3	.365	1.7	17.3	22.9
Flint Hill Tornadoes	1	3	.352	1.7	19.0	25.8
Pittsburgh Alleghenys	1	2	.255	1.9	8.7	14.8
D.C. Balk	1	2	.167	2.1	9.7	21.7
Peshastin Pears	1	4	.290	2.2	18.3	28.6

Canberra:  W 2, L (-2); 4 – (-9).  (.333, .432, .633; 15.7 ip, 4 er)  Bryce Harper is on pace to lead his team with a perfect .300, .500, .900 batting line comprising 108 homers and 216 walks. But he’ll only be marginally better than four other ‘Roos: Conforto (1.250 OPS, 108 doubles); Carter (1.221 OPS, 72 homers); Chris Davis (1.104 OPS, 72 homers); and Hechavarria (1.021 OPS, 162 doubles).

Portland:  “L”, 9 – 6. (.341, .426, .488;  13 ip, 9 er) Adam Conley will get 30 starts, complete 30 innings, allow 90 earned runs, 60 hits and 60 walks. His manager will still defend him from critics, arguing that it wasn’t Conley’s fault because the rain was in his eyes, the sun was too hot, and the woman in the third row looked at him cross-eyed.  Carlos Correa will hit 120 homers.

Haviland:  “W”, 5 – 7. (.239, .271, .304; 10 ip, 6 er)  Chris Archer will compile  a 7.20 ERA over 405 innings, surrendering 607 hits, allowing 322 earned runs  — and striking out 689 batters. Haviland’s manager won’t be able to bench him for fear the fans will burn down the stadium. No Haviland reliever will allow an earned run in 567 innings pitched.

Cottage: “L”, 8 – 7. (.237, .356, .447;  11.7 ip, 7 er).   Yasiel Puig will go 292 for 584 with 97 walks and 65 strikeouts — now we’re being silly. More sensibly, Andrew Miller will strike out 12o in 40 innings.

Old Detroit: L, 0 – 6.  (.162, .212, .300; 8.3 ip, 8 er).  Anthony Rizzo will drive in 362 runs.  Trevor Story will become a Wolverine on a $19,000,000 bid, and will amass a batting line of  0 for 4 with a walk before his fatal collision with Dexter Fowler.

Kaline:  L, 5 – 7.  (.275, .341, .375; 8.3 ip, 6 er)  Dexter Fowler will have 364 hits and 162 walks on his way to a .600, .684, 1.067 batting line.  He’ll also mangle 40 Wolverines, making his total value 162 WAR.

Flint Hill:  “L”, 5 – 3.  (.244 .295, .366;  6.3 ip, 2 er)  Scooter Gennett will hit 81 homers, or half his team’s total.  Joc Pederson will strike out 253 times on his way to a fine .933 OPS.  Colin McHugh will complete 13.5 innings, allowing 202.5 er for a 135.00 ERA — a season-long Royal Chulk. His FIP will be a much more encouraging 21.30.

Pittsburgh: L, 3 – 6.  (.231, .302, .333; 2 ip, 2 er) Pedro Alvarez will go 0 for 486.  Jerrod Saltalamacchia will appear in 54 games, clouting 54 doubles and 54 homers. His last name will be 756 letters long by then.

D.C.: DNP,  (-3) – 0  (.136, .269, .136; 0 ip)    Scott Schebler is on pace for 162 doubles. Franklin Gutierrez will go 0 for 324 with 108 walks and 216 strikeouts.

Peshastin :  L,  0 – 3.  (.200, .200, .200; 6.3 ip, 1 er).    Michael Taylor will go 0 for 594 with 216 strikeouts. Carlos Santana will drive in 270 runs. Jake Odorizzi will strike out 324 batters.