How to handle adversity – The Official EFL Web Site

The other day Manny Machado got hurt when Andrew McCutchen spiked him on the wrist. Did the Wolverines moan and weep about it? I don’t even think I mentioned it.

Wednesday Kevin Kiermaier got hurt when he slid into first base. The Pears management has not been able to maintain his composure. Instead he took to Twitter… well, no, he took to our transactions page to denounce “the BONE HEADED STUPIDITY OF A CERTAIN OUTFIELDER WHO SHALL NOT BE NAMED.”

Ok, sure, sliding into first is boneheaded and stupid. But, sheesh, Phil, consider the feelings of your player! His hip hurts and he’s going to be out at least 2 months and he knows what he did was foolish and will hurt his teams, and the similarly numerous Rays and Pears fans… he knows all that. Surely he is grief stricken. Do you think it helps to have you treat him this way in public?

You should emulate the Wolverines. We did not call Manny “boneheaded” or “stupid” for trying to tag McCutchen with the back of his wrist instead of the glove. We were kind and careful even though Manny has been stinking it up big time at the plate, batting like his grandmother. We want Manny to know we care about him, value him, and will welcome him back as soon as possible, as long as he shapes up at the plate.

So go apologize to Kevin, Phil, and tell him you still love him. After all, it’s not like he slid into first base on his dirt bike.

Oh, and Phil? When you see Kevin, tell him thanks from me for arranging an opportunity for Mallex Smith to get some playing time. Although, just between you and me, if Kiermaier was going to hurt himself, he might have done it last week so I could have spent my Michael Taylor money on someone else.

EFL Standings for 2017

EFL
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB	RS	RA
Haviland Dragons	42	20	.679	—	398.1	269.8
Cottage Cheese	40	22	.639	2.4	332.8	246.0
Flint Hill Tornadoes	37	21	.643	2.8	270.7	201.7
Pittsburgh Alleghenys	37	20	.642	3	312.6	227.8
Portland Rosebuds	37	26	.589	5.5	351.5	284.6
Kaline Drive	36	26	.586	5.8	300.7	254.6
Peshastin Pears	35	28	.558	7.5	302.2	274.2
Canberra Kangaroos	30	30	.493	11.5	283.9	290.5
Old Detroit Wolverines	24	34	.411	16.3	228.8	276.4
D.C. Balk	23	37	.379	18.3	289.0	371.8

A note from the EFL Commissioner’s Office of Spiritual and Moral Development:

Dear EFL Owners:

It has come to our attention that the Commissioner called out the ownership of the Peshastin Pears for publicly demeaning a Pear for boneheaded play. While we agree the play was dumb, and thus the player was dumb, and while we agree the owner was unwise to publicly shame the player, our concern is with the Commissioner.

We have been working with the Commissioner for years to treat all EFL teams equitably, and to lead by example in all matters of professional ethics. As you all know, this has been a long and frustrating process. Progress is painful, slow, and indiscernible. We appreciate your patience, even as you have all no doubt had times when you wondered if we don’t just ditch the current Commissioner and get someone decent for a change. Given how hard it is to find good, cheap help these days, we plod on.

So we have directed the Commissioner to use this update to offer advice to ALL EFL owners on responding to adversity, so everyone in the league can have equal opportunity to develop morally and spiritually.

Haviland: W, 10 – 2. (.300, .432, .600; 15.0 ip, 6 er). So I’m supposed to give advice on dealing with adversity? OK, I guess. Here’s my advice to the Dragons on dealing with adversity: why don’t you have some for a change? More Tyler Glasnow (4 ip, 6 er) and less Ervin Santana (9 shutout innings), please.

Cottage: W, 7 – 5. (.239, .340, .565; 6 ip, 1 er). So now you’re in second place and fading fast. You have nightmares of ending up at .500 again. I’m tempted to say “what did you expect?” You’ve been flying too close to the sun, sloshing $125,000,000 over 5 years on just one player. You tempted fate, and fate gave in to the temptation: it let Alex Cobb have a nice outing, knowing you’d allocated him at only 50% as a reliever. You have to admit — that was a clever piece of work by fate. Curse adversity if you want, but I’d suggest admiring it instead.

(So — how’s it going so far, everyone? Can you feel your spirits and morals developing? Well, hang on, I’m about to dish out some more S&M Development. )

Flint Hill: W, 5 – 0. (.308, .379, .308; 13.7 ip, 5 er). Tornados traditionally don’t suffer adversity. They inflict it. Like they did yesterday when they passed the Alleghenys, turning good pitching into great numbers by replacing a bunch of replacement innings. So, here’s a third good approach to adversity: rather than suffer it, inflict it. (Boy, I can feel my spirit developing fast now. Can’t you?)

Pittsburgh: W, 6 – 4. (.255, .333, .468; o ip, 0 er). The Alleghenys drafted Kurt Suzuki a week ago. He went 0 for 4 yesterday. So far he is 0 for 12 for June — although he has reached base twice on hit-by-pitches. The Alleghenys went out of their way to acquire Suzuki. Encountering adversity, they ran out and embraced it, paid good money for it, bid on it when no one else would. There has never been an EFL franchise as successful as the Alleghenys over the 12 years of their existence. The lesson would be clear even to Kevin Kiermaier (although possibly not to Madison Bumgarner): if you want to succeed in the EFL, seek out adversity and embrace it.

Portland: W, 7 – 5. (.290, .389, .548; 4 ip, 3 er). Logan Morrison hit a homer and walked in four plate appearances, leading the Rosebuds to victory. I drafted Logan Morrison in the first round in 2011, enamored of his .283 .390, .447 rookie line. I made the mistake of following him on Twitter, and discovered he was an empty-headed, immature brat. I cleverly traded him to the then-newbie Cheese in the spring of 2012, but Cottage soon tired of his act, too. Since then he’s bounced around MLB, including a stint with the Mariners, displaying at every stop the same maddening unreadiness to harness his talents. Now Morrison is 29 years old, and maybe he’s finally grown up. He’s batting .237, .347, .545, his best work by far since he was a debutant. I think he could have been even better, but I gave up on him long ago. The Rosebuds have him now, and he paid off yesterday.

So the lesson is clear: out-wait adversity. Or maybe, ignore it. Or maybe — depending on how much the Rosebuds knew when they drafted Morrison — be unaware of it.

Kaline: L, 3 – 5. (.214, .300, .238; 9.3 ip, 5 er). I don’t know who has accumulated the most adversity in the EFL, but the Drive are good candidates. They joined the league early — in the third season, if I remember aright. They’ve suffered through some lean years, and have never won a championship. They are not the only ones to experience this disappointment, but they might be the most cheerful of the non-champions. Yesterday was not a great day for Kaline, largely because the newest Drive — T.J. McFarland — chulked (1.3 ip, 3 er). I bet the Wizard and Michele would still have T.J. over for dinner and be exceptionally kind to him. Can this be a possible response to adversity: grace and kindness? I’m trying to wrap my mind around this…

Peshastin: L, 2 – 2. (.171, .237, .286; 11 ip, 5 er). Ok, we already know how the Pears have been dealing with adversity: raging at their players. Watching the Big Pear go after Kiermaier, I got concerned for recently-traded Wolverine Jackie Bradley, Jr., for whom I still root (as I do for all former Wolverines, except Jose Altuve). Would he be safe in Peshastin? Well, I needn’t have worried: Jackie went 2 for 4 with a homer yesterday, providing the bulk of the Pear “offense.” Jackie knows how to deal with adversity, having experienced some himself: put your head down and do your job the very best you can, and try not to attract adversity’s attention.

Canberra: “W”, 6 – 8. (.250, .359, .500; 0 ip, 0 er). Come to think of it, the Pears and Kangaroos are also candidates for “most adversity experienced in the EFL.” They are original EFL franchises. While they haven’t loitered in the depths of the standings as much as the Drive, they have never won the championship, either. How do they handle it? Well, yesterday the Kangaroos’ best offensive performances came from Alex Bregman (1 for 3 with a homer and a walk), acquired with the Cheese’s 2017 first round pick; Jonathan Lucroy (3 for 4 with a homer), acquired in a trade from the Pears (I think); and Adam Rosales (1 for 1 with a double), activated by the Commissioner this month as the minimum move necessary to make the Kangaroo roster compliant so we could compile stats. Do you see the pattern? When faced with adversity, the ‘Roos rely on the kindness of strangers.

Old Detroit: W, 3 – 1. (.205, .300, .273; 20 ip, 11 er). Mallex Smith, liberated by Kiermaier’s selfless act of fracturing his hip, went 2 for 3 with a homer and a walk, providing nearly all the Wolverine offense. Luckily I had left him 100% active as a sort of potemkin player: you know, erected just for show, to make the team feel like it had plenty of players despite being decimated by injury and incompetence. So here’s the Wolverine way: deal with adversity by hoping to get lucky. But see Jurickson Profar: 0 for 5 in his first day back, due to Adrian Beltre’s injury. But also see Jurickson Profar: activated at only 33%, so I could have a second 3rd baseman technically active on the roster. I’ll see your bad luck and raise it with my good luck. Knock on wood.

DC: W, 9 – 5. (.364, .382, .636; 14.7 ip, 9 er). The Balk were born in adversity. They’re being raised in adversity. They don’t know anything but adversity. So here’s maybe the best way ever to deal with adversity: be unfamiliar with anything else!.

Ok, that’s all for today. If your spirits and/or morals aren’t developed after all this, it’s not my fault.

Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2017

AL East
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Flint Hill Tornadoes	37	21	.643	—
New York Yankees	35	23	.603	2.3
Boston Red Sox	33	27	.550	5.3
Baltimore Orioles	31	28	.525	6.8
Tampa Bay Rays	32	31	.508	7.8
Toronto Blue Jays	29	32	.475	9.8
Old Detroit Wolverines	24	34	.411	13.5

NL East
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Washington Nationals	38	22	.633	—
Canberra Kangaroos	30	30	.493	8.4
Atlanta Braves	27	32	.458	10.5
Miami Marlins	27	33	.450	11
New York Mets	25	33	.431	12
D.C. Balk	23	37	.379	15.2
Philadelphia Phillies	21	38	.356	16.5

AL Central
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Pittsburgh Alleghenys	37	20	.642	—
Minnesota Twins	31	26	.544	5.6
Cleveland Indians	30	28	.517	7.1
Detroit Tigers	29	31	.483	9.1
Kansas City Royals	26	34	.433	12.1
Chicago White Sox	25	34	.424	12.6

NL Central
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Cottage Cheese	40	22	.639	—
Milwaukee Brewers	33	29	.532	6.6
Chicago Cubs	30	30	.500	8.6
Cincinnati Reds	29	31	.483	9.6
St. Louis Cardinals	27	32	.458	11.1
Pittsburgh Pirates	26	35	.426	13.1

AL West
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Houston Astros	43	19	.694	—
Haviland Dragons	42	20	.679	0.9
Kaline Drive	36	26	.586	6.7
Seattle Mariners	31	31	.500	12
Los Angeles Angels	32	32	.500	12
Texas Rangers	28	32	.467	14
Oakland A’s	26	34	.433	16

NL West
TEAM	WINS	LOSSES	PCT.	GB
Colorado Rockies	40	23	.635	—
Los Angeles Dodgers	37	25	.597	2.5
Portland Rosebuds	37	26	.589	2.9
Arizona Diamondbacks	37	26	.587	3
Peshastin Pears	35	28	.558	4.9
San Francisco Giants	25	38	.397	15
San Diego Padres	24	38	.387	15.5

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