The Johnsons outnumber the Mocks two to one in the league, but I’ve never gone so far as to call for Johnson Fantasy Baseball. I know it looks bad, but it really isn’t rank nepotism or anti-Johnson bigotry.
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I am no johnsophobe. It’s just that “Johnson Fantasy Baseball” isn’t funny.
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Johnson is just a nice, normal last name — THE nice normal last name, up there with Smith. Nice normal people get nice normal last names. People who inherit the Mock name are born at least a little bit funny.
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Especially when they are dominating the EFL.
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EFL Standings for 2018
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 24 | 15 | .619 | — | 186.7 | 146.7 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 24 | 16 | .596 | 0.8 | 172.1 | 142.3 |
| Brookland Outs | 24 | 17 | .580 | 1.4 | 211.5 | 182.3 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 22 | 18 | .559 | 2.3 | 181.8 | 161.2 |
| Cottage Cheese | 22 | 19 | .546 | 2.8 | 225.6 | 204.8 |
| Kaline Drive | 22 | 20 | .525 | 3.6 | 200.9 | 192.4 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 21 | 19 | .517 | 4 | 174.2 | 168.2 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 18 | 21 | .462 | 6.1 | 212.2 | 229.8 |
| Haviland Dragons | 19 | 23 | .455 | 6.5 | 172.7 | 189.3 |
| Peshastin Pears | 16 | 24 | .407 | 8.4 | 172.1 | 208.2 |
| D.C. Balk | 15 | 24 | .395 | 8.8 | 145.4 | 181.4 |
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Canberra: W, 8 – 5. (.316, .395, .395; 12.7 ip, 6 er). Ok, it’s maaaybe a stretch to call this domination — this pretty good but not eye-popping offense, and this sort of mediocre pitching. But we Mocks have had so few opportunities to share the 1-2 spot in the last 14 years, maybe you could smile benignly at our exuberance. In Canberra it’s Corey Kluber’s 7 shutout innings (earned-runs wise) and Billy Hamilton’s .750 OBP and three stolen bases. And, of course, the pleasure of being ahead of the old man…
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Old Detroit: W, 3 – 2. (.091., .286, .212; 22 ip.. 5 er) … while in Old Detroit it was the sneaky pride in walking 9 times and stealing 6 bases (and getting caught zero times) to salvage an awful day at the plate, while at the same time the pitchers were stifling the opposition at least as bad. And, of course, the pleasure of either holding the whippersnapper off another year, or seeing him come into his prime. It’s a win/win opportunity…
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Brookland: W 2, L 2; 18 – 16. (.289, .341, .421; 19.3 ip, 5 er)… or at least, it is if the upstart expansion-year Outs don’t crash the party or, God forbid, take it over. Derek Holland is NOT supposed to twirl 6.3 shutout innings. Nor is fellow reclamation project Jeremy Hellickson supposed to go 5 innings with only 1 earned run. Daniel Descalso does NOT know how to OPS 1.167. No team needs TWO rookie third basemen OPSing 1.000 a day. This CANNOT go on.
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Portland: L, 6 – 7. (.289, .341, .447; 5.3 ip, 6 er). The Rosebuds look like their looming here, too, but actually, they loomed in the other direction Sunday. Jon Gray coughed up those 6 er in those 5.3 innings. Instead of walking 9 times, the R’s struck out 11 — it didn’t work the same. It was nice to have the pre-season favorite take a step back… not that we have anything at all against Johnsons, mind you. Nope, nothing but fondness and admiration.
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Cottage: W (-1), L 5; 10 – 35. (.121, .171, .121; 15 ip, 14 er) Wow. This has to be the worst collapse in EFL history: 2.5 games in the standings in one day, with 6 negative results (a lost win and 5 gained losses). There would be a pretty good chance of this being some cruel mistake, but… the Brewers passed the Cardinals for first among MLB teams in the NL Central, and Cheesy pitchers conceded 14 earned runs in 15 ip, and the team took on about 13.7 replacement innings. Throw in a somewhat below-average defense and the extra bits of unearned runs that creates, and it’s pretty easy to see how they could surrender almost 9 runs a game over 4 games. Meanwhile Cheese hitters seem to have also fallen for the nonchalance the W’s, if possible even worse: their eight 0 for the day hitters also failed to draw walks or get hit by pitches or steal bases or do anything other than erase half their team’s hits with two GDP’s.
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Look, I know it seems harsh for the poor Cheese to suffer a record-breaking trauma like this, but a) the Head Cheese probably didn’t even notice, since he’s cavorting with family in some remote corner of Texas, and if he did notice b) the Head Cheese will be able to draw on his deep wells of existential resignation and hope for paradise. I suspect he will recognize the value of this vivid experience, one he will probably never forget.
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Kaline: L, 4 – 5. (.243, .263, .270; 6 ip, 3 er). Maybe Eeyore is their mascot. Things seem to have been rather boggy and sad in Driveland yesterday despite the glorious (and rather hot) weather we had here in the PNW on Mother’s Day. James Paxton ended his streak of no-hitters and settled for a sort of nondescript start. Aaron Judge did his thing (1.350 OPS) but Jorge Soler didn’t (0 for 4 along with three other Drives). I wonder if there is such a thing as post-no-hitter-stress syndrome.
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Flint Hill: W, 10 – 7. (.371, .463, .686; 4. ip, 3 er). Wow! What an offensive outburst! That 1.146 OPS is over a very robust 41 plate appearances. EWIE Carlos Santana (catchers are infielders, right? Certainly first basemen are, so Santana certainly is an Ex-Wolverine Infielder Excelling) led the way with his walk, double, and homer in four trips to the plate. But it, alas, much of what was gained has also been lost, because no starting pitchers appeared (leading to 3.3 replacement innings there) and the relievers who did appear weren’t much better.
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Pittsburgh: W, 9 – 5. (.317, .364, .732; 1 ip 0 er). Wow again, for the third time! All that hitting — 1.095 team OPS. EWIE Mark Reynolds made his 2018 Allegheny debut by going 3 for 4 with 2 homers for a stunning 3.000 OPS. Fortunatelym the team only took on one more replacement inning (among relievers), so most of the offensive gains were retained.
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Haviland: W, 6 – 1. (.265, .390, . 441; 10.3 ip, 2 er). OK, I know it looks as strange as an expansion team in third place, but the Dragons seem to have discovered the joys of balance and harmony in life. Not for them the wild, uncontrolled chaos of team OPSes over 1.000. A more sustainable and reflective .831 will do for them. This allows them to direct some energy toward supporting their pitchers, so they can pitch beautiful spare inning and allow only 1.74 earned runs every 9 innings. If Dragons can achieve balance between the yin and the yang, the any ying-yang oughtta be able to do it.
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Peshastin: L, 3 – 5. (.152, .222, .242; 8.7 ip, 4 er). The contemplative life is harder than it looks. You can’t pull it off if your pitchers are merely mortal, and prone to allowing 4 or 5 earned runs to follow you home and roam the house.
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DC: L, 0 – 5. (.175, .233, .200; 1 ip, 0 er). Wow! Dylan Bundy pitched GREAT — 7 scoreless innings! What a marvel after that terrible outing last time. Even with that paltry offense, the Balk should get a wi… wait. What happened? How come the Balk got NO credit for Bundy’s dominance? There must be some reason for this…
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Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2018
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Boston Red Sox | 28 | 12 | .700 | — |
| New York Yankees | 28 | 12 | .700 | — |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 24 | 16 | .596 | 4.2 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 21 | 19 | .517 | 7.3 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 21 | 20 | .512 | 7.5 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 16 | 22 | .421 | 11 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 13 | 28 | .317 | 15.5 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 24 | 15 | .619 | — |
| Atlanta Braves | 24 | 15 | .615 | 0.1 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 23 | 16 | .590 | 1.1 |
| Washington Nationals | 24 | 18 | .571 | 1.6 |
| New York Mets | 19 | 18 | .514 | 4.1 |
| D.C. Balk | 15 | 24 | .395 | 8.8 |
| Miami Marlins | 14 | 26 | .350 | 10.6 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Cleveland Indians | 20 | 19 | .513 | — |
| Minnesota Twins | 17 | 19 | .472 | 1.5 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 18 | 21 | .462 | 2 |
| Detroit Tigers | 17 | 22 | .436 | 3 |
| Kansas City Royals | 13 | 27 | .325 | 7.5 |
| Chicago White Sox | 10 | 27 | .270 | 9 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 24 | 17 | .585 | — |
| Brookland Outs | 24 | 17 | .580 | 0.2 |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 22 | 16 | .579 | 0.5 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 23 | 17 | .575 | 0.5 |
| Chicago Cubs | 21 | 16 | .568 | 1 |
| Cottage Cheese | 22 | 19 | .546 | 1.6 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 14 | 27 | .341 | 10 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Houston Astros | 26 | 16 | .619 | — |
| Los Angeles Angels | 24 | 16 | .600 | 1 |
| Seattle Mariners | 22 | 17 | .564 | 2.5 |
| Kaline Drive | 22 | 20 | .525 | 4 |
| Oakland A’s | 19 | 21 | .475 | 6 |
| Haviland Dragons | 19 | 23 | .455 | 6.9 |
| Texas Rangers | 16 | 26 | .381 | 10 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 24 | 16 | .600 | — |
| Portland Rosebuds | 22 | 18 | .559 | 1.7 |
| Colorado Rockies | 22 | 19 | .537 | 2.5 |
| San Francisco Giants | 20 | 21 | .488 | 4.5 |
| Peshastin Pears | 16 | 24 | .407 | 7.7 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 16 | 24 | .400 | 8 |
| San Diego Padres | 16 | 26 | .381 | 9 |