The Newberg School District is struggling through a tough budget crisis at a terrible time: just as it embarks on a decade of steep increases in PERS benefits. I’ve seen this PERS tsunami coming for three years. Every year at budget time I’ve said something like “I wish we were saving up money to prepare for the PERS increases that are going to swamp us.” But all I did was say something. Setting aside a half million here or a half million there meant taking a half million away from some good thing we were doing. So I didn’t insist that we face into the problem. Nothing got done to save up reserves for the PERS crisis.
And now it’s too late. We have to set aside our reserves at the same exact time as our costs are bending steeply upward. It is going to be brutal for a long time.
Never again. Never again will I refuse to rock the boat with a tsunami bearing down on us. If something needs fixing, I’m going to push the Board to either fix it or explain why not. Starting at tonight’s budget meeting.
Hmm. I think I’d better warm up. So here are some other looming crises requiring action now!
- The American League Central could end up without anyone over .500. Cleveland’s loss Monday pushed them back down to .500. One more loss and the first place team in the division will have a losing record. No one else in the division is closer than three games under .500. I suppose it’s likely the Indians will be able to fatten themselves up on their weaker division mates, but Corey Kluber’s latissimus dorsi may be all that stands between us and disaster. What MLB needs to do NOW: adopt a rule requiring all post-season teams to have a winning record. If the AL Central can’t produce a team over .500, then take all five American League postseason teams from the other two divisions. When the Indians finish 79 – 83 in first place, it will be too late to change the rules.
EFL Standings for 2018
| EFL | ||||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB | RS | RA |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 24 | 16 | .610 | — | 187.8 | 150.5 |
| Brookland Outs | 25 | 17 | .595 | 0.4 | 218.9 | 183.3 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 24 | 16 | .590 | 0.8 | 172.3 | 144.1 |
| Portland Rosebuds | 23 | 18 | .565 | 1.8 | 187.9 | 164.3 |
| Cottage Cheese | 22 | 20 | .527 | 3.3 | 223.6 | 209.9 |
| Kaline Drive | 21 | 20 | .524 | 3.4 | 193.6 | 185.7 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 20 | 20 | .511 | 4 | 171.9 | 167.9 |
| Haviland Dragons | 19 | 22 | .464 | 5.9 | 167.2 | 180.5 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 18 | 22 | .450 | 6.4 | 212.6 | 235.9 |
| Peshastin Pears | 17 | 25 | .402 | 8.4 | 174.3 | 212.6 |
| D.C. Balk | 15 | 25 | .385 | 9 | 146.0 | 185.8 |
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Canberra: L, 1 – 3. (.222, .222, .333; 12.0 ip, 4 er).
2. We could be taken over by an uncouth expansion team! There are 10 proud, respectable, thoroughly civilized and domesticated franchises in the EFL. Seven of them have been patiently awaiting their turns as EFL Champions. They would all be champions we could be proud of. None has been waiting longer than the Canberra Kangaroos, who are having their best season ever. Even Wade LeBlanc is shining, like he did for 6 shutout innings last night. But now the Brookland Outs, the B.O.’s, the team that TRUMP-ETS its out-sider status in its very name, has suddenly made a rush at the lead like a rabid dog! What the Commissioner needs to do NOW: Tranquilize the Outs! Send them to the pound to be domesticated, to know their place, to await their turn! Do what you should have done before you let them join the league: send them to finishing school, teach them the drill, grind them up, turn them into Outmeal. Or at least put them on a leash.
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Brookland: W, 7 – 1. (.333, .429, .889; 7 ip, 0 er).
3. The Commissioner is fomenting xenophobia against a citizen of the EFL! We all know who writes these updates. They come straight from the Commissioner’s Office, sometimes in the wee hours of the morning. Do they ever speak with proper respect or enthusiasm about Out outcomes, like Scott Schebler’s 3 for 4 with a double and a homer? Or Jake Odorizzi’s six shutout innings? What kind of shortsighted leadership do we have who doesn’t realize that the Outs are creating the greatest story line in the history of the EFL: an upstart joins the league and immediately breaks down the corrupt, entitled Triumvirate (or Duumvirate, whichever). Sure, the Outs are transgressive, but that’s because the stale, static state of the league needed transgressing. What the EFL needs to do NOW: Demand fairness from the front office, or defenestrate its denizen!
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Old Detroit: DNP, 0 – 2. (.143, .278, .357; 15 ip, 7 er).
4. We could be taken over by an uncouth expansion team! “Demand fairness from the front office”? Pah! “Defenestrate its denizen”? Big woop! My office window is only three feet above the ground. I don’t even need a pile of human manure to cushion my fall, like those defenestrated Bohemians in Prague did. Besides which, my team will probably beat you to it, now that Porcello has had two straight 2017-vintage starts to prove his 2016-vintage first month is over. What the Outs need to do NOW: Take a chill pill, learn the local customs, make some generous trades, and then slide respectfully, seemingly reluctantly, into the lead. No more feral, growling lunges toward the top. Take over all you want, but get couth and cuddly first. You know, like the Wolverines. In fact, maybe you should stand back and watch for now.
BONUS ALARM: Daniel Vogelbach is on fire! He went .429, .543, 1.107 last week in Toledo — I mean, Tacoma — slugging 5 homers. His season line there: .328, .457, .781. What the Mariners need to do NOW: Free Daniel Vogelbach! Get him where he can do the W’s some good!
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Portland: W, 6 – 3. (.320, .370 .480; 1 ip 0 er).
5. We could be taken over by a couthful but still youthful flower! With the first and third place teams concentrating on the second-place Outs, the Rosebuds made a smaller but still significant move toward first place. The Rosebuds’ rise toward the top has mostly been driven by Mookie Betts and his 1.205 season OPS. Mookie had another 1.000 OPS day yesterday, but the real sparkplug was Jonathan Villar: 3 for 4 with a homer and a stolen base. What the league needs to do NOW: wake up and smell the Roses before it’s too late!
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Cottage: L, 2 – 5. (.048, .130, .048; 6.3 ip, 3 er).
6. We are still being egregiously ignored by MLB and all the major media! The Cheese hit into more double plays (2) than hits (1) Monday. They had one of the worst batting lines I’ve ever seen in the EFL. The Cheese made 22 outs in only 21 at bats! That’s an achievement, even worse than being the victim of a perfect game. What coverage did their feat get in the media or on the MLB website? None. Zilch. And yet somehow MLB has time this morning for headlines like these:
A small earthquake struck during Red-Giants, but only the cameras seemed to notice. (It was 3.1 on the Richter schale. So of chourse no one noticed. These things happen several times a day in the Bay Area. Sheesh.)
Votto departs early with tight lower back (posted TWICE on MLB.com, before they corrected themselves)
What the EFL needs to do NOW: demand effective PR from the Commissioner’s Office, or defenestrate its denizen.
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Kaline: W (-1), L 0; (-7) – (-7). (.156, .229, .313; 8 ip, 3 er).
7. The Drive are in Drift! That paltry batting line featured one highlight — a Kris Bryant home run. In a season where the Drive could be making pennant race noise, they mustered too little mustard. It would be a shame to waste career months from Leonys Martin (1.024 OPS in May) and Jorge Soler (1.005 May OPS) because of a lousy month of pitching (5.22 ERA in May so far). What the Drive need to do Now: wake up the pitching staff! How? I dunno. Maybe a little more mustard?
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Flint Hill: W (-1), L 1; (-2) – 0. (.179, .179, .321; 0 pitching).
8. The Tornados aren’t intimidating anyone lately. Ever since the Commissioner offered them the Convection Confection label, they’ve been more cotton candy than cyclonic storm. The Tornados rushed through a roster move yesterday to get Jose Pirela into the lineup. He rewarded their confidence with an 0 for 4 day at the plate. What the Tornados should do NOW: embrace your true nature! Your team is too kind and gentle to be very good at tornadoing. BE the Convection Confections. No one will ever forget you.
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Haviland: W 0, L (-1); (-5) – (-9). (.105, .105, .158; 1 ip, 0 er).
9. The Dragons need more Steven Souza. They mic’ed up Steven Souza on Mothers Day. He took advantage of it to wish his mom (and his wife, grandma and mother in law) a happy Mothers Day. He also greeted Trea Turner, whom he had never met but for whom he’d once been traded. He commented on how for three years he had to listen to everyone at Tampa Bay go on about how good Turner is. Souza was the picture of grace, intelligence, and self-deprecating humor. On Monday, five Dragons went 0 for the day. The sixth Dragon to play was Steven Souza: 2 for 4 with a double — and somehow an RBI. On a day when the Dragons went backward everywhere else, losing runs right and left, Souza actually drove one in. What the Dragons should do right NOW: get more Steven Souza. Somehow.
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Pittsburgh: L, 0 – 6. (.160, .154, .280; 0.7 ip, 0 er).
10. The Dragons need more Mark Reynolds. Mark Reynolds saw his first action of 2018 on Sunday, coming up from AAA for the Nationals to replace Ryan Zimmerman. Reynolds went 3 for 4 with two homers. Reynolds didn’t play Monday, and the Alleghenys suffered. What the Alleghenys need to do NOW: get more Reynolds. Somehow.
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Peshastin: W 1, L 1; 2 – 4. (.313, .353, .625; 1 ip, 0 er).
11. Jameson Taillon needs a remedy for his lacerated finger, and he’s looking to Moises Alou for inspiration. This is according to another one of those crucial MLB headlines that leave no room for the EFL: Moises Alou would approve of Taillon’s remedy . What the Pears need to do right NOW: keep Taillon away from Alou.
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DC: L, 1 – 4. (.190, .190, .190; 6.7 ip, 3 er.)
12. Scooter Gennett is sabotaging the Balk. The Balk had 21 at bats Monday. Already chills should be going down your spine: that’s the same number the Cheese had! But the Balk went 4 for that 21. Whew! But now take a look at Gennett’s line: 0 for 5 with two GDP. Gennett single-handedly erased half his team’s offense. Intolerable! You cannot be seen to be coddling performances like that. What the Balk need to do right NOW: trade that Gennett out of there. Maybe something like Gennett for Kolten Wong… Don’t laugh. Wong has only 4 GDP this year. Gennett: 7.
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Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2018
| AL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Boston Red Sox | 28 | 12 | .700 | — |
| New York Yankees | 28 | 13 | .683 | 0.5 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines | 24 | 16 | .590 | 4.4 |
| Toronto Blue Jays | 21 | 20 | .512 | 7.5 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes | 20 | 20 | .511 | 7.6 |
| Tampa Bay Rays | 17 | 22 | .436 | 10.5 |
| Baltimore Orioles | 13 | 28 | .317 | 15.5 |
| NL East | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Atlanta Braves | 25 | 15 | .625 | — |
| Canberra Kangaroos | 24 | 16 | .610 | 0.6 |
| Philadelphia Phillies | 23 | 16 | .590 | 1.5 |
| Washington Nationals | 24 | 18 | .571 | 2 |
| New York Mets | 19 | 18 | .514 | 4.5 |
| D.C. Balk | 15 | 25 | .385 | 9.6 |
| Miami Marlins | 14 | 26 | .350 | 11 |
| AL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Cleveland Indians | 20 | 20 | .500 | — |
| Minnesota Twins | 17 | 20 | .459 | 1.5 |
| Detroit Tigers | 18 | 22 | .450 | 2 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys | 18 | 22 | .450 | 2 |
| Kansas City Royals | 13 | 28 | .317 | 7.5 |
| Chicago White Sox | 10 | 27 | .270 | 8.5 |
| NL Central | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Milwaukee Brewers | 25 | 17 | .595 | — |
| Brookland Outs | 25 | 17 | .595 | — |
| St. Louis Cardinals | 22 | 16 | .579 | 1 |
| Pittsburgh Pirates | 23 | 17 | .575 | 1 |
| Chicago Cubs | 21 | 17 | .553 | 2 |
| Cottage Cheese | 22 | 20 | .527 | 2.9 |
| Cincinnati Reds | 14 | 28 | .333 | 11 |
| AL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Los Angeles Angels | 25 | 16 | .610 | — |
| Houston Astros | 26 | 17 | .605 | — |
| Seattle Mariners | 23 | 17 | .575 | 1.5 |
| Kaline Drive | 21 | 20 | .524 | 3.5 |
| Oakland A’s | 20 | 21 | .488 | 5 |
| Haviland Dragons | 19 | 22 | .464 | 6 |
| Texas Rangers | 16 | 26 | .381 | 9.5 |
| NL West | ||||
| TEAM | WINS | LOSSES | PCT. | GB |
| Arizona Diamondbacks | 24 | 17 | .585 | — |
| Portland Rosebuds | 23 | 18 | .565 | 0.9 |
| Colorado Rockies | 23 | 19 | .548 | 1.5 |
| San Francisco Giants | 21 | 21 | .500 | 3.5 |
| Peshastin Pears | 17 | 25 | .402 | 7.5 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers | 16 | 24 | .400 | 7.5 |
| San Diego Padres | 16 | 27 | .372 | 9 |