The Outs have conquered. Borne on the burly back of Bartolo Colon, Brookland broke through our last line of defense yesterday, and now stands atop the league.
Jean Segura did all he could, drilling Colon with a 102-mph laser beam. Colon laughed it off. Christian Bergman did all he could, coming up from the minors and shutting out Colon’s team for 7 innings. Colon and the Outs laughed THAT off, too.
Next week Colon turns 45. He’ll laugh that off, too. Ichiro is 5 months younger, but he’s done. Colon was supposed to be done eight years ago when he didn’t play for an entire season. Since then he’s played for 6 different teams, each season expected to be his last. Last season he finished with an ERA of 6.48. Right now it’s 2.82.
Bartolo isn’t supposed to be playing at this level at this time in his life. Neither are his Brookland Outs at this time in their lives. Human beings aren’t supposed to do these things. It’s not just Bartolo Colon. Weird, alien things are happening all over. I think it’s time to call the Men in Black.
EFL Standings for 2018
| TEAM |
WINS |
LOSSES |
PCT. |
GB |
RS |
RA |
| Brookland Outs |
26 |
16 |
.620 |
— |
225.2 |
179.4 |
| Canberra Kangaroos |
24 |
18 |
.582 |
1.6 |
191.2 |
162.0 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines |
23 |
17 |
.584 |
1.7 |
171.4 |
144.9 |
| Portland Rosebuds |
24 |
19 |
.566 |
2.2 |
196.4 |
171.5 |
| Kaline Drive |
24 |
21 |
.524 |
3.9 |
210.8 |
201.7 |
| Cottage Cheese |
22 |
20 |
.518 |
4.3 |
221.4 |
212.1 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes |
20 |
20 |
.509 |
4.7 |
169.0 |
165.4 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys |
18 |
24 |
.439 |
7.6 |
223.9 |
253.6 |
| Haviland Dragons |
19 |
26 |
.432 |
8.1 |
180.5 |
206.1 |
| Peshastin Pears |
18 |
25 |
.418 |
8.5 |
183.0 |
217.3 |
| D.C. Balk |
17 |
25 |
.397 |
9.4 |
158.7 |
196.8 |
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Canberra: W (-1), L 2; (-3), – 8. (.135, .135, .189; 7.7 ip, 6 er) The ‘Roos fell 2 games in the standings in one day. It was like the ground opened up and swallowed them. Totally weird. For example, who can phathom what’s happened to Greg Holland? Drafted by Old Detroit late in the free agent draft, traded to Canberra for Doug Fister just before Opening Day, Holland sextuple chulked yesterday (0.3 ip, 2 er) to bring his season ERA up to 6.17.
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Old Detroit: W (-1), L 1; (-1) – 2. (.200, .250, .267; 6 ip, 4 er). Walker Buehler stumbled (5 ip, 4 er) and the Wolverine offense wallowed. What has possessed supposedly super-prospect Lewis Brinson? 0 for 4 yesterday, .518 OPS for May, .514 for the season?
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Portland: “L”, 6 – 5. (.303, .361, .515; 5.7 ip, 3 er). The Rosebuds cleverly disguised their win as a loss, thus escaping for the moment detection by the alien mothership managing the bionic “Bartolo Colon.” With all those studs in the lineup, the Rosebuds had the unsuspected Logan Morrison lead the offense (2 for 3, hr, walk).
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Kaline: “W”, 4 – 4. (.278, .316, .389; 1 ip, 0 er). Kris Bryant went 3 for 4 with a double to help Kaline Drive off an outright loss. Seems dangerous to me, putting your star out there so conspicuously with a new untested, unpredictable (possibly alien) power seeing all.
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Cottage: L, 1 – 5. (.176, .194, .294; 0.3 ip, 0 er). The Cheese have fallen so far so fast. Mike Trout held to an 0 for 4? It doesn’t seem natural.
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Flint Hill: DNP, 0 – (-1). (.172, .250, .483; 8 ip, 3 er). Evan Gattis, Yasmani Grandal and Marcus Semien combined to go 5 for 11 with a homer apiece. The rest of the Tornado “offense” went 0 for 18. I’d call that alien, too, except that kind of stuff happens all the time to the Wolverines… minus the home runs, of course.
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Pittsburgh: L, 5 – 9. (.222, .263, .528; 3 ip, 3 er). Lance Lynn did that 3 ip, 3 er thing. He struck out 5 but walked 4 and coughed up 4 hits. The brightest spot was Michael Brantley going 3 for 5 with a homer to bring his May OPS over 1.000 (1.014). I am getting that spooky feeling: the A’s are about to start hitting on all their cylinders and commence to marching up the standings like Sherman to the sea. It’s a spooky feeling, but not at all alien. Totally familiar, in fact, practically perennial. Almost comforting, as if there is some spot on the EFL landscape still un-Colonized by Out-landers.
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Haviland: W (-1), L 2; 1 – 6. (.156, .206, .250; 2.7 ip, 1 er). On the other hand, this Dragons team struggling so badly at the plate is totally unfamiliar. Have the aliens possessed the Dragons, too?
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Peshastin: L, 2 – 4. (.241, .290. .448; 7 ip, 3 er). Jamison Taillon somehow suddenly recovered from his sliced finger to pitch 5.7 strong innings (2 er). Doesn’t that bother anyone?
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DC: “W”, 5 – 6. (.303, .361, .485; 1 ip, 0 er). Scooter Gennett and Isiah Kiner-Falefa continue to provide middle-infielder leadership to the Balk offense, combining to go 4 for 7 with a double, a homer and a walk. Kyle Barraclough seems to be the heart of the pitching staff, so reliable, there from the very beginning, etc. He turned in another scoreless inning. He’s a guy who will never give in to the aliens, I am sure of it.
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Combined MLB + EFL Standings for 2018
| TEAM |
WINS |
LOSSES |
PCT. |
GB |
| New York Yankees |
28 |
12 |
.700 |
— |
| Boston Red Sox |
29 |
14 |
.674 |
0.5 |
| Old Detroit Wolverines |
23 |
17 |
.584 |
4.6 |
| Toronto Blue Jays |
22 |
21 |
.512 |
7.5 |
| Flint Hill Tornadoes |
20 |
20 |
.509 |
7.7 |
| Tampa Bay Rays |
19 |
22 |
.463 |
9.5 |
| Baltimore Orioles |
13 |
29 |
.310 |
16 |
| TEAM |
WINS |
LOSSES |
PCT. |
GB |
| Atlanta Braves |
26 |
16 |
.619 |
— |
| Philadelphia Phillies |
24 |
16 |
.600 |
1 |
| Canberra Kangaroos |
24 |
18 |
.582 |
1.5 |
| Washington Nationals |
24 |
18 |
.571 |
2 |
| New York Mets |
20 |
19 |
.513 |
4.5 |
| D.C. Balk |
17 |
25 |
.397 |
9.3 |
| Miami Marlins |
16 |
26 |
.381 |
10 |
| TEAM |
WINS |
LOSSES |
PCT. |
GB |
| Cleveland Indians |
21 |
21 |
.500 |
— |
| Minnesota Twins |
18 |
21 |
.462 |
1.5 |
| Detroit Tigers |
19 |
23 |
.452 |
2 |
| Pittsburgh Alleghenys |
18 |
24 |
.439 |
2.6 |
| Kansas City Royals |
13 |
30 |
.302 |
8.5 |
| Chicago White Sox |
10 |
29 |
.256 |
9.5 |
| TEAM |
WINS |
LOSSES |
PCT. |
GB |
| Brookland Outs |
26 |
16 |
.620 |
— |
| Pittsburgh Pirates |
25 |
17 |
.595 |
1 |
| Milwaukee Brewers |
26 |
18 |
.591 |
1 |
| St. Louis Cardinals |
23 |
17 |
.575 |
2 |
| Chicago Cubs |
22 |
18 |
.550 |
3 |
| Cottage Cheese |
22 |
20 |
.518 |
4.3 |
| Cincinnati Reds |
15 |
29 |
.341 |
12 |
| TEAM |
WINS |
LOSSES |
PCT. |
GB |
| Houston Astros |
28 |
17 |
.622 |
— |
| Los Angeles Angels |
25 |
18 |
.581 |
2 |
| Seattle Mariners |
24 |
18 |
.571 |
2.5 |
| Kaline Drive |
24 |
21 |
.524 |
4.4 |
| Oakland A’s |
21 |
22 |
.488 |
6 |
| Haviland Dragons |
19 |
26 |
.432 |
8.6 |
| Texas Rangers |
17 |
27 |
.386 |
10.5 |
| TEAM |
WINS |
LOSSES |
PCT. |
GB |
| Arizona Diamondbacks |
25 |
18 |
.581 |
— |
| Portland Rosebuds |
24 |
19 |
.566 |
0.7 |
| Colorado Rockies |
23 |
20 |
.535 |
2 |
| San Francisco Giants |
22 |
22 |
.500 |
3.5 |
| Peshastin Pears |
18 |
25 |
.418 |
7 |
| San Diego Padres |
17 |
27 |
.386 |
8.5 |
| Los Angeles Dodgers |
16 |
26 |
.381 |
8.5 |
The last few days, some of my players haven’t been showing up in the daily box scores. So I did medical rounds and discovered two in the oblique strain ward, two in the hamstring semi-private room, and one in the hydrotherapy unit working on a bad elbow. Then there’s my $12.5 million dollar rookie pick [Dinelson Lame(n)t] out for the season and well into 2019 in the Tommy John surgical recovery area. The Drive expects to be seeing quite a few replacement innings.